


Burning In the Flames

by Kmandergirl



Series: Idalya Mahariel Stories [4]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: AU, Ev gives me all the goddamn feelings, F/M, First Kiss, Frostbite, Graphic Sex, Graphic descriptions, How is this so many words now?, I think Cullen's in over his head, New rewrite, Once & Again Universe, Really large wolves, Really naughty language, Sacrifice, Story from the Past, Suffering, Surgically removing pieces, The smut is in chapter 7, Tumblr Prompt, Unsaid feelings, body heat, reference to past trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-14
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2018-08-30 23:29:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8553934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kmandergirl/pseuds/Kmandergirl
Summary: Tumblr prompt: Tell me about a memory of Cullen and Evelyn. (Once & Again Universe)They were surrounded by the Venatori and Red Templars with no hope left, but what everyone underestimated was the will to survive of a red-headed rogue.This fic has been rewritten with new posts starting 2/28/18!





	1. The Chapter Where Evelyn Does Something Brave

**Author's Note:**

> Helllllo lovely readers! Here's the first one-shot that was requested on Ev/Cullen. I hope you guys enjoy it! 
> 
> For those of you new to these characters, they come from the Once & Again Universe. If you enjoy this mini story, please check out the others in the series!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edits completed 2/28/18

He slammed the doors shut with the force he had. The fireball headed straight towards the Chantry determined to make contact. A wall of heat blew through the crack in the wooden doors as they snapped shut, heating his armor to the touch so it burned against his flushed skin. He breathed an exhale of relief as Warden Blackwall helped his soldiers bring planks to blockade the doors from the swarms of Venatori mages and whatever that _fucking_ beast was flying over Haven.

Cullen tried to catch his breath, but he couldn’t. The fist around his chest tightened with each stuttered breath. He feared may never breathe again after this day.

_How could this be happening?_

The Inquisition had risen to a peak of pure elation at closing the breech hours ago and now prayed just to survive the next few hours. Turning to look into the Chantry there were far fewer people than he had expected to escape in the surprise attack. The Inquisition swore a vow to protect these people. People who had burned alive within their homes, unable to escape as a dragon had breathed scorching fire from one end of Haven to the other.

The Trevinter mage, Dorian was helping a bleeding Roderick to sit. The man held his arm glued to his side as the crimson lines streaked through his white robes to trail across the stone floor, a trail of death.

Sera and the strange boy named Cole, who had returned with the Inquisitor from rescuing the Templar, were checking over the injured. Women and children sat huddled in fright as the soldiers ran in amok around them barring side doors and windows from any onslaught the Venatori considered throwing their direction.

The need to give up was weighing on his mind, turning the folds of his brain to stone. He kept the words to himself that taking care of the most vulnerable among them would mean little if that dragon turned its full attention onto the Chantry, the building burning around them as their funeral pyre.

If there was an empty chair he would have sat, hanging his head between his hands while he prayed to the Maker for some sense of absolution as his time arrived. Ten years later than he had expected, but now Cullen wondered if it would have been better if he’d just died in the Kinloch at the hands of the demons.

Staccato screams echoed from outside the door until swift knocks at the door followed. Blackwall ran to pull a board back from the side window to see what was happening outside.

“ _Get the doors open!_ ” He screamed towards the soldiers who went to work. Each heavy security beam removed from the smoking wooden doors.

Within moments the doors swung open and Cassandra came striding through, her expression resembling someone who'd sniffed spoiled milk. Blood soaked her armor and shield. Her hair was sweaty and stuck to the sides of her face.

Behind her strode Evelyn, her leather dripping crimson streams as pieces of the red Templars she had sliced to death fell away from her clothing with each staggering step she took into the Chantry.

As the doors slammed shut behind them, Evelyn’s legs went out from underneath her. Cassandra caught her in mid-air as she dragged the gasping woman off to the side out of the view of those who were looking for her to save them.

Cassandra’s hand pressed hard to the side of the rogue’s ribs and when she removed her hand, fresh blood was flowing over her fingers as the color from Evelyn’s face faded to a dulled gray from her usual porcelain. Her eyes rolling back in her head.

_No, not her. Anyone, but her._

He ran to her side as Cassandra looked up at him in desperation.

“A red Templar maimed her in battle, Cullen. She’s still been fighting, but I don’t know how much fight she has left in her.” Panic paced through his veins as he watched their leader slump over, her limbs becoming too heavy to keep her body upright.

“Solas! Over here _now_!”

The elf was at his side in moments, pushing his way through the two warriors to examine the woman’s side. As his healing magic poured out of his hand into her flank, a high-pitch wail escaped out of Evelyn’s body that caused all watching to open their eyes in horror as her screams grew more frantic. Solas stopped in confusion as he pressed his palm against the side of her abdomen. He tilted his head to the side as he listened to the gasps of pain the woman made under his touch.

“I need a knife.”

Without hesitation or question, Cullen pulled the throwing dagger out of his boot to hand to the mage. Fire bloomed out of the palm of the mage’s hand as the elf ran the blade through till the sharpened edge was glowing red-orange from the searing heat. Gripping the edge of her leather vest he slid the dagger over the leather and it cut through unveiling a garish bruise, the deep color of plums, radiating from a healed cut on her side.

“Gag her, Cassandra.” The mage mumbled as he heated the dagger again. The Seeker pulled a small dagger from the back of her breeches, pulling Ev’s head into her lap as she forced the leather gripped handle between her leader’s teeth as the woman tried to fight back against the agonizing pain radiating from her side.

Cullen had to look away, his eyes pressed together, as Solas sliced across the skin of the violent bruise.

Evelyn screamed without regard of those around her, the gag blocking most the sound that would have scared the civilians in the Chantry shitless. Solas parted the separated flaps of skin as Evelyn’s blood poured out over his hands with every beat of her heart. Cassandra braced against Evelyn harder as Solas’ fingers pushed into the wound until he found what he was looking for. Pulling out a shard of red crystal he threw it to the floor beside her as he poured all the healing magic he had into Evelyn’s side at once.

She calmed her struggling in Cassandra’s lap. The Seeker was careful to remove the dagger lodged between her teeth as she soothed the woman’s hair to offer her one moment of comfort in this insanity. Her color was returning to her cheeks, a streak of blush across the top of her noble cheekbones.

Cullen heart broke as he watched her incapacitated and flailing. He would have given up any reason to fight if Evelyn had died on the dirty floor of Haven’s Chantry. If her life had slipped away like sand running through his fingers, he would have unsheathed his sword, heading out to take out as many of the Templar abominations as he could have before meeting his end.

She looked so frail and so devoid of the strength she exuded.

Just hours beforehand she had smiled up at him and asked if everything was over now she had closed the breech.

He had yearned to reach out and touch her, to feel how soft her skin would feel against his cracked, calloused, and unworthy fingers. Her lips had parted as she’d looked up at him, hair the color of fire blowing in the breeze, her pupils dilated as she stared at the scar that bisected his lips.

Once before, he had come close to pressing his lips to hers when she’d returned from Redcliffe. Remnants of tears still lingering in her eyes. She had looked at him with such longing as though it had been a lifetime since their last meeting. Evelyn’s features had crumbled, a sob escaping her chest, as she’d hopped off her horse and walked straight towards him. Without hesitation, she had laid her hands on his breastplate, her pressure gentle. The smallest smile pulling at the corners of her mouth at being able to feel him safe and not bled dry and filled with lyrium the way she had seen him in Alexius’ twisted future.

He almost had the courage to do what he wanted to do most in the world. That was until Dorian had approached and Evelyn had backed away. Her expression unreadable, while the mage observed Cullen with a raised brow of curiosity. The two had remained separated until the breach closed. The possibility of a hopeful tomorrow now glimmering in the distance. Again she’d been within his reach and he’d let her slip away determined that there would be another day to try again.

Looked like today they had run out of tomorrows.

Solas’ magic ran down the length of her side, the final edges of the wound sealed shut, and most of her life-draining bruise gone. Her breathing was even as the mage sat back on his heels, his own erratic as he’d emptied his mana into their leader. Evelyn now rested, if you ignored the pool of blood on the floor from her side, or the pieces of decaying flesh still lingering in the strands of her long auburn hair.

“Solas, will she be…” he couldn’t finish the sentence in fear for the mage’s answer.

He nodded as Cullen helped the man to his feet, full of appreciation for what he had just done.

“I removed the red lyrium, but she will not have the time for the rest that she needs. We need to find a way out of here if she's going to survive.” The mage took unsteady steps on his own as he made his way towards the civilians to see if anyone needed medical help.

Cullen and Cassandra looked at one another, worry filling their gazes. They knew what they needed to do now and that the Inquisition would not leave tonight unscathed.

“ _Wake up._ _”_ Cassandra shook Evelyn by the shoulder until the rogue awakened with a start. Her pale emerald eyes wide with fear as her head darted in all directions looking for her attackers. “Good, you’re awake. The Venatori and Templar continue to attack. We need your orders on how to proceed.”

At that moment, he was so thankful that Cassandra could pull herself together and do her job in this chaos. His heart couldn’t be torn away from the woman who sat confused at his feet.

Evelyn rolled over to her hands and knees as she attempted to stand, her pointed boots sliding in the pool of blood she had shed across the dusty stones. With Cassandra’s assistance, she made it to a standing position and pointed her shoulders back as she walked out of the darkened corner to see the damage the attack had done to her people.

“What are our orders?” Cassandra reiterated as she waited for a response from the silent rogue. Something changed in Evelyn’s face as she looked at the fear in the shaking people praying to their Maker.

“Get them to safety.” Her words were scraping whisper from her raw throat from the screaming through Solas’ impromptu surgery on her side. Her eyes drifted back towards the still smoking door. “I have to go back out there.”

Cullen unsheathed his sword as he stood to her side. “And I with you.”

“ _No_.” Her word was firm as she turned and pushed his arm back down, his cheeks and the back of his neck burning at her touch against his bare wrist above his leather gloves. “These people need a leader. I was never meant to lead. Since I received this anchor, this is what I do.” Determination set into her features as she finished speaking. “Take these people away and keep them safe, Commander. _That_ _’s an order.”_

His heart broke as she uttered the words she knew he wouldn’t cross. She was the first thing that had reminded him that his heart still beat within his chest in over a decade. The lyrium forcing him to keep his distance from connecting with others. Until Evelyn had fallen from the sky into his life and changed the self-destructive course he was on to one where the lights burned brighter, laughter was louder, and the sun warmer. But

Now she was walking out that door to take the sun shining on his skin away forever and because it was his job, he would watch her without complaint and do his duty. Once again he what his heart wanted would lose to what was needed.

“What is your plan?” Cassandra asked, wiping the trails of blood still dripping from her sword on the side of her uniform.

“I don’t know.” Evelyn admitted as she checked the daggers on her back and pushed her blood-streaked hair back over her shoulders.

Cullen tried to memorize every tiny detail of the woman as she tried to forget the trauma she’d just suffered at the hands of her companions. She doubted her skills as a leader but watching her pull herself together gave the frightened people huddling in the Chantry some sense of hope.

“The Ender One doesn’t care about the village, he has come for the Herald.” The strange boy who had returned with the Inquisition from Therinfall said. His voice hovered through the air as Evelyn’s face fell as she rechecked all the buckles on her horrifying thin rogue armor.

“So this _thing,_ this _Elder one,_ came for me? That’s what he’ll get. Maybe that will be enough for him to grant mercy to the innocent here.”   
Cullen doubted that was the case. He had seen the fear and recognition in Varric's face as he had screamed for everyone to run back into the Chantry before the dragon had arrived.

“It won’t. He wants to kill you, but he’ll crush and hurt these people because he can. I don’t like him.” The sickly pale boy uttered.

“ _You don_ _’t like?_ ” Cullen shouted, incredulous of the boy tending to Roderick’s wounds. He stepped in front of his leader, his own shaking hands covering hers as she looked up in surprise. “Herald, there are…”

“Evelyn.” She whispered. “Please call me by my name, just this once.”   
There were so many things he wanted to say. Her eyes cowered in fear she tried to hide.

“Yes, Evelyn.” The word felt phenomenal as it passed his lips. “There are no tactics to survive this. The only thing that slowed them was the avalanche. We could turn the remaining trebuchets, cause one last slide.”

Her eyes grew large as she peered out over the huddled masses looking to her to be their savior- their Andraste burning in the flames consumed by the hatred that poured from her enemies. “But that would…” she couldn’t finish the sentence.

Children huddled crying in their mother’s laps, their sobs echoing through the Chantry.

“Why did we have children here? You said we couldn't defend Haven and yet I allowed children.” Her voice broke as the reality of their fate set in. The monster had come for her but would cut through these people without hesitation for its prize.

 _She thought this was her fault_.

“Evelyn, these people’s ends are nearing soon, but we can grant them the mercy of a quick death over the torture they would receive at the hands of our enemies.”

She looked up into the eyes of the man who had pushed her to keep fighting regardless of the odds. He was now telling her she should be responsible for the deaths of those under their command.

“Yes, that. Chancellor Roderick wants to say something before he dies.”

Cullen ignored the creepy boy as he turned to the ashen-skinned Roderick. How many times had he envisioned the cleric dying in some unfortunate way? On a different day, he would have found a morbid thread of humor in the man’s demise.

“There’s a path, you wouldn’t know of it unless you’d made the pilgrimage before.” Roderick was turning paler as he struggled for breath as the blossoms of  crimson spread across his cream-colored robes. “The people can escape; she must have shown me for a reason. Andraste must have shown me so I could help you.”

Cullen watched the Herald, no _Evelyn_ , cringe as the cleric said their prophet’s name.

“Is this one more of Roderick’s helpful bits of advice?” She mumbled as she watched the man dying in front of her eyes.

“After so many dying in the Conclave, to be the only one who remembers. If this simple memory can save us, this could be more than mere accident. You could be more.” The man rested, his chin against his chest, as he ran out of energy to speak.

Cullen had not removed his eyes from Evelyn. Through the cracks in their window barricades the burning flames of Haven reflected off her face like the tales of Andraste. So many emotions warred behind her eyes. If this was to be their end, he would stand and die by the side of the woman he called his leader. Her eyes flicked up to him, the flames burned into the dark center of her pupil.

“What about it Cullen, will it work?” _She used his name._ Before tonight she had never referred to him as any other name than Commander.   
Could see him as more than just a man?

“Possibly, if he shows us the path.” Roderick was alive for now and he doubted the man even knew where he was. “What of your escape?”

The emotions that filled her eyes broke his heart as he understood what Evelyn wouldn’t say out loud. She was walking out there to die for a chance at their survival. _There had to be another way. Not now- not her._

 _“You can’t.”_ The whisper escaped him before he could suppress it and just focus on his duties. her words were calm and determined when she responded.

“I’ve lived my entire life in fear. I wasn’t born to be a hero, but a bargaining chip for my father. Any end on my terms, is more than I deserve. Please, let me be brave this one time. Let me show them, I _can_ be more.” A silent strength had poured into her limbs as she looked out towards the growing flames.

 _How could he argue with her?_ He nodded his head, numb, as she turned to the rest of the Inquisition, her companions waiting in a line behind her, their weapons drawn ready to walk into the face of oblivion with her.

“Please, put your weapons down. I’m going on my own. Understand that I must be the one that does this. Get these people to safety and ensure the Inquisition survives another day.”

Multiple members including Cassandra, Blackwall, and Dorian opened their mouths to speak, but she raised her hand silencing them all. “I order you to protect these people- I go alone.”

“Not alone,” Cullen spoke, desperate to keep his tone even. “My soldiers will accompany you to load and fire the trebuchet while you keep the Elder One distracted.” He knew she hadn’t remembered that she could not load the trebuchets by herself.

“Thank you, Cullen.” She spoke looking down towards her blood-caked leather boots.

 _There was his name again_. Every time she said it, it sounded better than the previous time.

“ _Inquisition, let_ _’s go!”_

A weak cheer erupted through the Chantry as people dared to let themselves hope for a fate that ended on a different path than burning alive in the flames of the beast hovering over Skyhold. Without orders, a group of volunteer soldiers lined up at the door, at attention, waiting for Evelyn’s orders. Everyone’s feet were moving in all directions as the companions helped the wounded innocents to their feet to follow the path the dying cleric was leading them on to salvation.

Evelyn froze in place, her olive eyes glued to the door as you could watch her play through the scenarios that awaited her on the other side. By the look in her dimming eyes, none of them ended well.

Dorian separated himself from a group of families heading to follow Cole, dragging the bleeding man on his hip. Without hesitation, he walked over and placed a gentle kiss on the forehead of his cousin. Her eyes closed as the words that wanted to escape her buried themselves in her throat.

“Don’t say it.”

Dorian chuckled as she mumbled the words.

“Yes, my dear, I’m aware of your aversion to farewells. So, I’ll tell you, you look beautiful and I await speaking to you next time.” The mage pulled back, his storm-cloud eyes filling with emotion his cousin could not allow herself to show in that moment. With unsaid words hanging between them, he made his way back to help heal those too injured to walk.

Cullen’s heart was pounding in his throat as he watched each of her companions approach her one at a time to wish her luck and that they would see her later. Cassandra’s face fell as she walked away from her leader, her disappointment at staying behind clear in her features as she helped Leliana and Josephine lift terrified children into the arms of waiting soldiers.

Then she was alone, standing apart from everyone around her moving towards their sanctuary. She alone would walk out the doors to her death knowing the rest would survive for another day. If there was relief in that thought, it didn’t show in her panicked eyes.

He knew he had orders to give, men to organize, people to lead, but his boots wouldn't move watching the woman who had graced his dreams and waking moments for months. _It was Solona all over again._ Lyrium had clouded his mind for so many years he could shut his heart off from any opportunities when attachment had offered itself. Evelyn had worn him down, forced him to care about something that wasn’t his job, and he would forever be in her debt for reminding him what it meant to be human.

She stood with her toes at the edge of the abyss as she prepared to jump while praying for another miracle to save her. She sighed, her shoulders and head lowered, accepting her fate as she started her approach towards the door.

Cullen’s heart screamed out so loud it pained him as he chased after her. “ _Evelyn!_ _”_

She turned around with a curious brow raised, but Cullen’s feet didn’t stop moving until his hands slid along the soft angles of her cheeks as he tilted her head back, his lips crashed against hers in one solid and overdue movement. She stiffened against him before she sighed through parted lips, opening herself to him. His tongue pressed past her trembling lips as he shuddered with how exquisite she tasted.

Everything he knew about the Maker, made sense as a bubble of joy grew out of his heart at not only touching her, but in her reciprocating every movement against him. Her heart pounding through the flesh of her neck into the pads of his traveling fingers.

Too early, years too early, she pulled back to look at him, the surprise contentment in her eyes melting away to hurt. “You kissed me because I will die.” Her whisper had fear intertwined in the words she had hidden from her companions.

A bittersweet smile pulled across his lips as he swept her loose hair over her shoulder. “No Evelyn, I kissed you because it’s the thing I’ve wanted more than anything else in my miserable life.” His heart shattered once again tears formed in her endless green eyes. Without thinking, he pulled the terrified woman to his chest wrapping his arms around her to funnel his strength and anger into her bones to allow her to fight. He knew his men were watching, but he didn’t care.

“You’ll find a way. I know you will.” He whispered to her soiled auburn hair that still smelled of the spiced lemons she’d used to wash it. If only he had the ability to slow time, he would have stayed in that moment forever where he was her proud and standing knight that would protect her from whatever took its vengeance.

Before he could say anything else, she pushed herself away and headed towards the door without looking back, pulling the bloodied daggers from her back as her soldiers parted to make room for their leader to step through.

She inhaled. “ _Now._ _”_ The men pushed the door open and filed through before Evelyn stepped out last, turning around the push the wooden doors shut behind her. His eyes caught hers before she left and he hoped they sent the message he knew she could survive that he had given her all the strength he had hoping she might return.

Cullen’s legs shook as he almost dropped to his knees. Grief poured over his body from the emptiness he felt now that Evelyn had exited the Chantry never to return. His men were looking to him for orders, but it was taking all the self-control he had not to run out the doors after her, uncaring of the consequences. For the briefest moment, he had touched pure heaven and her smell was over him as his eyes blurred from the tears that would not come.

He was an undeserving man who the Maker had stopped listening to long ago, but tonight he would pray to the Maker that the red-headed rogue with the burning eyes of Andraste would return to him once more.


	2. The Chapter Where the Inquisition Searches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen makes a rash decision. Evelyn awakens to find her dire situation has gotten much worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 2 for the rewritten Burning in the Flames. 
> 
> If you enjoy this story, please check out Once & Again, the epic 60+ chapter story about the Hero of Ferelden that follows these characters after the fall of Haven.

“ _Cullen, stop!_ _”_ Cassandra barked at him as he stomped across the survivor’s camp they had set up, nestled deep within the peaks of the snowy mountains.

“I can’t.” He growled through the bars of his teeth to channel his anger, frustration, and pain clouding every thought in his head. The Seeker sighed, sitting down on a broken tree stump, her head falling between her hands as she tried to make sense of what had happened this evening and her failures to protect yet another leader she followed.

_Evelyn was dead._

The thought stabbed through his chest like a sharpened dagger until his ability to breathe staggered. _How could he have let this happen?_ He should have stopped from leaving. She was their leader, the only person who could close the rifts. Evelyn was now dead, buried alone under countless feet of show. He should have forced her to stay behind, gone in her place so she could lead these frightened people huddled together with frozen tears clinging to their wind-burnt cheeks as they mourned the loss of their Herald.

He had failed her in so many countless ways as her adviser, her friend, and someone who wanted, more than anything, just be more to her. All he could picture was the hurt filling her eyes after he’d kissed her because he only showed his feelings to her because it wouldn't matter tomorrow.

So many things had gone unsaid. Every intake of breath brought the smell of her soft lips into his nostrils again, his surcoat filled with the smell of her hair. These small reminders of her kept stabbing their claws into his flesh every second since he watched the avalanche bury Haven and extinguish the mark that burned from her hand. He needed something to do or he would go insane.

“Cullen?” Josephine stuck her head out of one of the few tents they had saved. “Maybe you should rest. We have a lot of work ahead of us.” There was a sadness. An utter lack of hope he had never heard in the Ambassador’s voice before. He had to hold his breath and count before he exploded at the woman trying to show kindness in the only way she knew how.

“I’m sorry, Josephine. I can’t right now.”

She nodded, unsurprised at his answer as she stepped back into the tent where she was assisting Dorian with Mother Giselle heal soldiers and innocent civilians who had sustained great injuries.

He couldn’t think of the loss Dorian was feeling in that moment. When he had torn his eyes off the settling banks of snow he had turned to see Dorian staring wide-eyed at the scene where his cousin was buried by the order’s Cullen had recommended.

Cullen had prayed the Maker would save her and let her fight one more day at their lead. As he’d prepared himself for her to leave, he hadn’t been able to let himself form the thought she never would return. Every movement and recommendation based on his internal hope she would return. He hadn’t kissed her because she would die, he kissed her because she would live, and he needed her to know that.

He’d never know if she’d knew before the snow took her away to the Fade. Evelyn would become yet another cringe-worthy chapter of his pathetic life filled with one failure after another. _The Inquisition turned out no different from any other opportunity he'd been given._

He failed Evelyn- it’s what he did.

A headache boomed within the confines of his skull, but for once he could ignore it as his fury was far greater than his withdrawals from lyrium.

A pair of metal plated boots approached him from within the camp. Looking up ready to yell at whoever decided now to tell him what he should do now, he stopped as Knight-Captain Barris approached. His expression grave, the side of his face coated in dried blood from where he had sustained a blow to his temple when fighting the corrupted Templar that had poured over the gates of Haven.

“Commander.” His soldier, and confidant, stood at attention in front of him, finding comfort in the only sense of organization that made sense in this moment.

“At ease.” Regular words felt strange in his mouth, speaking like they all hadn’t just fought for their lives. That any of them remained alive should have filled them with joy and jubilation if the cost of survival hadn’t been so high. “Report.”

Barris swallowed as his eyes drifted away from Cullen’s. “All borders are manned and verified. As far as we can tell, we are hidden. The Herald succeeded in her attempt to help the people of Haven escape.” His friend continued looking anywhere but his eyes as he could tell there was something he hadn’t said yet.

“And since we've arrived?”

Barris sighed, a nervous fidget to his fingers. “Twenty-four have died since we've arrived. Dorian and Solas are doing everything they can, but they’re only two men and we have limited supplies of lyrium which we’ve removed from the Templar and given them full access to. We have fifteen soldiers in critical condition and stand to lose quite a few more if we can’t find our way out of these conditions in the coming days.”

That’s what his friend didn’t want to tell him.

Evelyn had sacrificed her life to save all these people and it wouldn’t be _fucking_ enough. Their orders were to save these people and once again he’d failed. Maybe it was for the best she hadn't survived so he didn’t have to see the disappointment in her eyes when he told her that her efforts were for naught, that even if they protected them from the monsters that their lives would be taken by the painful, lurking cold.

“We have blankets, Cullen. You should try to eat something.”

“Give them to someone else who needs them.” He walked away.

“I know what you’re thinking.” Barris called to him.

“Do you know?” He turned snarling on his friend because he could. He could show his fear and his pain, and his friend wouldn’t think less of him.

“Yeah, you’re blaming yourself and finding how that this was your fault. It’s not. She decided, and it hurts, but we need to respect it and carry out her wish to help these people survive.” There was a sadness and wisdom behind Barris’ emerald eyes as he spoke the words.

Barris was right. He knew what he was thinking somehow and however he had gained that experience Cullen’s heart broke for him in that moment.

He shook his head, his anger dissipating like a wisp of smoke into the air leaving him with nothing but the crushing sensation that Evelyn died. Just as he’d hoped that maybe she could see him as more than a bumbling fool who sent her on one useless mission after another.

How stupid he’d been. He had known the moment he first laid eyes on her the impact she’d have in his life, but he’d pushed her away. Told her the Inquisition, their fledgling organization, was more important than anything else- including herself. Each useless mission they had sent her on had stripped away who she was until all that remained was the Herald: a stoic figurehead destined to be featured on Chantry windows through the next age.

What other outcome had he been expecting when they told her that the Inquisition was larger than them all? When it came to decide between herself and the Inquisition- she chose the Inquisition.

 _It was the duty of the Herald_.

“Yes, Barris. I’ll follow behind soon.” He told his friend who had eyes full of worry.

Barris rolled his eyes as he watched Cullen. “You’re not coming, are you?”

“No.” Cullen responded, pulling his sword from his scabbard as he turned towards the height of the snowy mountain they had just descended.

_What if there was way?_

She had surprised them before, beating unbelievable odds surviving the Conclave. He refused to give up hope until he saw her body with his own eyes. He had seen the area where her hand had illuminated Haven before the snow had piled down. If she was dead, he could find her. Give her some final rest and peace. He turned behind him as he heard multiple swords drawn at once. Barris and Cassandra had pulled their swords and stood behind him, ready to leave.

“I won’t fight you two, just let me go. I have to find her.” He didn’t expect them to understand, he needed them to not fight him now. He had made his mind up.

Cassandra huffed as she walked past him towards the mountain. “Fight you? _Screw that_ , we’re going with you.” Barris’ eyes widened as she strode past his Commander.

“You kiss your mother with that mouth, Seeker?” He called to the woman determined to climb the mountain by herself if they didn’t follow fast enough.

Now was their time to slip away when everyone else was busy tending to the injured and waiting without hope for their end. It wasn’t much at that moment, but it kept the only grains of hope alive.

*****

_Maker, what is this pain? I didn_ _’t think everything would hurt when I died, but everything hurts so much._

She tried to open her eyes, but her vision blurred. Her eyes covered with a moist whiteness.

_What happened? Where am I?_

Something sharp pressed into her back and as she could focus, saw the piece of wood extending out of her side. She was impaled as she’d fallen through the floor Haven as the avalanche had struck the Inquisition’s home.

Trying to sit up, she screamed out, her hands covering her mouth to muffle excess sound in case there were still enemies afoot. Prior to being hit with an avalanche she had told herself she would stab Solas the next time she saw him for cutting her side open since she had never experienced pain like that before. Now she had a new measuring stick for excruciating pain.

Taking a page from Cassandra’s book, she pulled her smallest dagger from a buckled holster on her hip. She shoved the leather handle between her teeth, sinking them down into the soft leather, before breathing and pulling herself off the broken hunk of wood in one motion. Her scream was blood-curdling. Coming come to passing out from the pain.

After moments the worst of the pain subsided, now freed from her prison. Pressing her bloody hands over her eyes, tears ran down her cheeks in steady streams and she didn’t care if they did for once. She always hid her emotions- it was a skill she had learned early to survive her father, but now she had seen the face of true evil in Corypheus.

Her whole life she had prepared to die at her father’s vengeful hand, but as she had dangled mid-air, the beast’s hand gripped around her throat, she experienced a terror she didn’t know existed. She’d walked out of the Chantry, felling brave for the first time in years. She had volunteered to fight a dragon.

_What the fuck was she thinking?_

She knew nothing about dragons short of what she’d read about in fairy tales as a child. A real fucking dragon sent to kill her. She was _no one_ as her father had reminded her for so many years. She was no one. Corypheus had come and killed just to get its mangled hands on her. Every body buried beneath the surrounding snow was her fault.

She didn’t want this. No one would want this.

She tried to pull herself up to her feet, but there was something wrong with her right foot. Its angle was abnormal and burned to the touch. Blood covered every inch of her armor, some dried, some fresh and she had no idea who any of it belonged to. Assuming from the amount of pain her entire body was in, she guessed that a substantial portion belonged to her as looked at the growing pool of blood that had melted the snow beneath where she had fallen. Grabbing the piece of wood that had just been inside her, she used it as a walking stick as she tried to walk through the abandoned tunnel she had found herself in.

Leliana had told her that there were undiscovered tunnels and artifacts below Haven, but she had ignored the mission. Why would they search for antiques when people were dying in villages around them as the Templar and mages warred around them uncaring of the victims in the crossfire? Now she wished they had explored those tunnels and cleared them out.

She limped along making progress through the tunnel until she found her way to exit that led out into the open fields of snow. A blizzard in full blast whiting out any attempt to see out in the distance.

_Where were they?_

Some naïve part of her thought she’d find her way out from underneath Haven and her companions would wait, a sea of smiling faces as they cheered her exit from her snowy tomb. The snow was so thick, an icy blanket thrown over the mountain. She couldn’t tell what direction she was walking as she made the best guess she could from the direction she had exited the cave from.

_Conclave. Redcliffe. Therinfal. Haven. Father. Have I survived all this just to freeze to death?_

Freezing into a solid piece of ice had sky rocketed to top of the list of the most likely ways she’d joined the Fade. Through some miracle she had survived being picked up and flung across the courtyard by Corypheus then being struck by an avalanche, only now to sit and die in the most painful way possible.

_Fucking brilliant. Fuck the whole Inquisition. Fuck them all straight to the Void._

Trying to channel her anger into her limbs was working as she could feel a small amount of warmth spreading across her arms. Her legs she had little feeling which should concern her, but they were moving when she wanted them to, which right now was enough for her. She tried to pick up her pace as she descended over the uneven snowy paths, each step careful to prevent sliding down the side of a mountain. Her boots kept getting stuck on the roots of unearthed trees as she tried to drag her legs out of the tangles, her side screamed in pain.

The stretched on unbroken white closed in on her the further she walked, pushing on her on all sides like strangers with traveling and invasive fingers. She clenched her eyes shut, hearing a deep a vile laugh ring out of the surrounding storm.

Feeling this powerless could only remind her of her father and the way he regarded his daughter as nothing more than his property. Her walking stick fell out of her hands as she clasped her hands over her ears begging the sound that haunted her nightmares to leave her. A sob shook her chest as she felt tears welling up again. How disappointed her father would be in her now, limping alone through the wilderness, shedding tears of fear and helplessness. It was disgusting. She knew it was, but she couldn’t control it anymore, couldn’t rein the fear that shook her to the core of her being.

_Think of something else. Think of anything else._

Food? No, she didn’t want to think of food. A bath? No, too depressing. Puppies?

_What the fuck, Evelyn? You_ _’re allergic. Stop it._

She attempted to control her breathing as her mind searched for anything that would take her mind off the man whose eyes matched her and sold her to the highest bidder, so she could _support_ her family. 

_I need to think of something happy._

She felt a sense of deflation when no happy memories came to her. Happy memories of her childhood had to exist. Memories of her mother? Were there none left that her father’s vile deeds hadn’t tainted to her?

_Okay, so there_ _’s nothing happy, what about something that makes me feel safe?_

_Cullen._

Her heart seized at the thought of the Templar, his arms wrapped around her in the Chantry when she had felt so brave. She didn’t even know if Cullen had lived had survived. His orders had been to get their civilians out of the Chantry before the avalanche hit. She cringed in shame at the memory of him leaning down and kissing her to calm her. To give her strength to keep fighting.

He claimed he wanted to kiss her, but she knew the hearts of men better than they did. He knew she would die, so he thought he’d raise her morale. She’d fight harder before dying if she thought there was something worth living for afterward.

How many times had he told the Inquisition was more important than any individual member? It was his job to make sure she fought at the best of her ability, and that’s what he had done tonight.

Her face and arms burned as the memory of his touch flooded her senses and it was enough of a distraction to keep her moving. She picked her walking stick back up as she attempted to maneuver the numb limbs through the treacherous terrain. The burning didn’t subside in her limbs, but instead grew stronger, burning brighter until sweat was beading on her forehead and she was panting to breathe. She was smothering in it somehow as she walked through a world of falling snow.

She unbuckled her bracers, throwing them aside. Next, she fought the buckles on her cutlass as she kept trying to move forwards. As the leather fell away from her chest, she inhaled all the way to the bottom of her lungs, her gut extending with the needed air. Her skin felt cooler to the touch but was still burning on the inside. Stripping off any unnecessary pieces of armor, she continued staggering until her head spun as she struggled to stay upright.

Her eyes closed as she stepped forward and her numb foot caught on an errant piece of wood, pitching her forward as she hit the snow face first. Her body rolling down the hill as her fingers tried to find purchase on any surface but found nothing more than crumbling handfuls of snow.

She was tumbling so fast; her vision blurred. Until a sharp pain slammed into her forehead and the world went quiet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on Tumblr: http://kmandergirl.tumblr.com
> 
> Once & Again and other stories in this AU universe can be found in the Idalya Mahariel Stories link above. 
> 
> Thanks for reading.


	3. The Chapter Where Evelyn Gains a Guide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen, Cassandra, and Barris continue searching for the Herald with little hope remaining. Evelyn gains assistance as her situation becomes more dangerous as the minutes tick by.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, old and new readers! Here's chapter 3. There are also two new chapters up for Once & Again this week so go check them out if you haven't already.

Cullen’s armor had frozen, stinging the puckered skin below the ice-plagued steel. He was unsure how long they had been marching through the snow reworking their steps towards Haven. The problem with unleashing an avalanche on your headquarters was that snow didn’t lay flat and compact, forming easy paths to navigate, no… the snow had formed into massive waves, frozen in time. Clawing and digging their way through each area, their hope diminished as they trekked through each layer on the side of the mountain.

The Seeker and Templar were quiet as they trudged through the snow together. It was comforting to have them by his side that way if they needed to turn back he wouldn’t spend the rest of his life full of guilt he could have gone further. He knew that soon they would pass the point of safety in the cold.

None of the group dressed to be marching in a blizzard. Cassandra had leather armor that offered no protection from the cold, and Maker only knew what Barris had on under his Templar skirts. For his sake, he prayed that the man was a modest one instead of an _Au_ _natural_ kind of guy like Rylen. If he was, Barris would win among the three of having the worst day there.

The one advantage of the cold was that it damped his anger, extinguishing his fire under layers of snow. Rage required energy he needed to stay warm, so he kept his emotions contained if he stood any chance of surviving unprotected in this bleak weather. If he’d stayed in camp left alone with his thoughts, he was certain by now, he’d be restrained by his men. Screaming like a lunatic as he lost his hold on reality just sitting and waiting for news on the fate of the Herald.

He knew he would have to turn them around and head back soon, but his friends would let him make the call. _This was his call to make_. The Inquisition’s camp was so far away he couldn’t be certain of the direction they had traveled to get here.

Even if they found Evelyn, how would make it back to camp? Would all four die in the snow due to his stubbornness?

The longer he walked, the more he thought Cassandra and Barris had accompanied him on this trek just, so his own life wasn’t lost to the cold winds beating down on them. _They knew him too well_. He would sacrifice his own life in some noble gesture of affection for the lost Herald, but he would not wager the lives of his friends, no matter how tempted he may be now.

His feet paused in the snow, his companions stopping alongside him as he stared at the unending path that had led them so far from safety.

_Please, Ev. Give me some sign. Please._

The Maker didn't answer as Cullen listen to the continued howling of the winds.

 

*****

_Evelyn._

_Evelyn, wake up._

“No…” she mumbled, attempting to locate the source of the sound. It echoed around her like the forest was divulging its secrets. She couldn’t lift her head. Heat pressed in on her from all locations on her body which still held sensation.

This was a bad dream. This was the _worst_ dream she’d ever had.

_Evelyn, get up._

“Fuck you,” she murmured, her eyes still refusing to open.

_You're a spoiled child, sit up now while you still can._

_“_ And you’re a creepy disembodied voice that’s a figment of my imagination. Go away, I need to sleep.” Yes, she was so tired. She’d just sleep for a little while then have the strength to get up and hobble her way back to the camp. Yes, sleep was a promising idea. A superb idea…

*****

_“EVELYN!”_

_She opened her eyes, blinking in the blinding brightness of the light reflecting on the smooth surface of snow all around her. The sweltering heat had disappeared from her limbs as she stretched, feeling all her muscles sigh in content as she pushed feeling through her body. It shuddered awake shaking off the heaviness that had weighed her down._

_The storm had frozen. Flakes of snow suspended in mid-air as she smiled, raising her delicate hand out to touch the edges of the falling ice which evaporated as it contacted the warmth of her hand._

_It was beautiful here._

_The troubles in her mind melted away as she took in the world of quiet grace built around her._

“Evelyn, can you hear me?”

_Her invisible friend was growing more distressed. They should take time to enjoy the beauty surrounding them. This world around her was so beautiful, it was staggering. Being here made her feel at peace. Comfort in a way she_ _’d never felt._

_“_ Evelyn, open your eyes. Look around you. _”_

_What was this voice going on about? Her vision was fine, thank you very much.  
She stewed in her annoyance as she felt the forest move like everything had shifted in one direction. It was a strange feeling. Everything that appeared the same, just now off by the smallest margin._

_“_ That’s it, Evelyn. Open your eyes, see what’s there! _”_

_Her eyes scanned past the downward slope of the hill once more and her eyes snapped back to focus on a large ash-gray wolf contrasting against the snow. As lids opened in surprise, the wolf trotted over to her, its massive paws displacing lines of snow behind it as it trodden through the powder._

_“_ Great, now it’s time to wake you up. _”_

_Evelyn_ _’s head cocked to the side as she took in the massive beast. It stood as large as a man._

_“Am I going crazy?” She wondered out loud, her curiosity getting the best of her._

_“_ Does it matter? _” The wolf asked._

_“I suppose not,” she mused as she noted the details of the large creature. Large pointed ears, and a thicker mane of fur than she’d ever seen on a beast. It could also talk so maybe that wasn’t the most distinct detail about it._

_“_ You have to wake up, Evelyn. You’re running out of time. _”_

_Her laughter rang out in the forest. The sound echoed back a hollow reflection of her voice._

_“How can I run out of time in a place where time is frozen? Just look at us!”_

_The wolf sighed, at least she thought it did, as it looked around searching for something close by._

_“_ Time is not as you perceive it. You're frozen, but time around you is passing much faster than you realize. We must go now. I can only stay for so long in this place. _”_

_Her eyes narrowed at the beast as she rolled his words around her head. A yawn interrupted her train of thought as she covered her mouth with both hands. She was exhausted._

_“Maybe we can discuss this later? I’m feeling tired. I should rest.”_

_“_ Evelyn, no! _” The wolf cried out, but she was settling back onto the pillow-soft bed of snow that cushioned against her body as she rolled to her side._

_A lazy smile floated across her lips as her body relaxed. She had earned her rest._

_She felt the nuzzle of the wolf as it pushed against her face, its paws shoving at her shoulders._ I am so tired. _She would deal with the rude animal when she was awake._

_It was speaking, but the words sounded far away as she could sense the growing distress in its voice. Its nose pressed against the side of her uncovered ear, its teeth bared as it spoke in her ear._

_“_ Do you think your father will laugh when he hears you died like a coward in the snow? _”_

_Wait_ _… what did it say? She tried to focus on the words, but sleep was pulling at her, dragging her deeper into the dark fog._

_“_ Will he celebrate with his ‘friends’ when they hear the news? You were familiar with his friends, weren’t you? _”_

_A burning in the center of her stomach grew as it made its way up her chest and flying up into her throat._

_“_ Yes, that’s it. _” The beast whispered in her ear. “_ That makes you angry, doesn’t it? It’s hard to rest when you’re full of rage. _”_

_The burning continued traveling through her body. The warmth coming to rest in her fingers and pressing down her hips into her thighs._

_“_ You try to block it, forget it happened, forget what they did to you. Never forget, Evelyn. Never forget your father’s laughing, the sound of coins changing hands, the smell of musty clothes, their fingers moving unwanted over your skin. _”_

_She tried to move her limbs, but they were so heavy. All she wanted was to push the voice far away, forget the things it said._

_It wasn_ _’t there. It didn’t know what it was like._

_“Stop.” Her mouth could barely phrase the word as she gasped it out._

_“_ No _,_ _” the beast said, its teeth still bared against the flesh of her face. “_ Did you know it was your own loving father that gave you the nickname ‘The Whore of the Free Marches”? I bet you didn’t know, did you? _”_

_“Please, stop.” She sobbed as she strived to move her fingers to clutch into the snow below her. To crawl away from this beast full of cruelty._

_“_ Make me stop, Evelyn! _” It roared against her face as tears collected in the corners of her eyes._

_“I can’t!” She cried giving up any attempt to move. All she craved was a respite from who she was, who she had been._

_“_ You can’t. Your father was right- you’re no one. You never deserved to be the Herald, you should have ended up in a brothel like your father always intended! _” It snarled into her unwanting ear._

_“STOP IT!” Her arm swung lightning fast, striking the wolf square across the face. It rolled across the snow, a yelp exploding from its chest. The wolf staggered up, spitting a mouthful of fresh crimson onto the pristine snow._

_“_ Good, let’s go. _” Its body language changed, a sense of urgency tangible as the beast turned to resume the long trot down the snowy hill._

_She pulled herself up trying to shake the sleep from her limbs. Setting off after the wolf, she pondered where she had left her daggers that were no longer on her person._

_“You fucking mangy mutt, when I get my hands on you I will wring your neck.” She called down to the wolf that sent anger spiking through her with every switch of its tail._

_“_ You must catch me first. _”_

_She swore the wolf grinned. Its bloody teeth bared in a ferocious smile. Evelyn growled under her breath as she pushed her limbs faster envisioning the fate of the loathsome beast when she got her hands on it._

_They walked in silence through the frozen world. The further they moved, the warmer her skin felt against the floating ice. Snowflakes had drifted down through the air floating on the light breezes that blew across the valley. Her footsteps became more uneven as the terrain became rougher, crags of snow waves sculpted around them._

_The wolf stopped in the distance, it threw her a pointed look gesturing ahead- a campfire burning with a brilliant blue flame. Relief poured through her at finding a resting point. She was still angry, but her exhaustion had siphoned it away from her the farther she walked from where she had laid down and given up on the thought of leaving._

_As her boot took a labored step, Evelyn stumbled forward. A sharp cry pierced the air, her hands clinging to her side as she landed sideways in the snow. The wolf returned to her, staring at her with concern filling his sky-blue eyes. A wave of nausea hit her stomach as she tried to sit upright, the stabbing pain in her flank blinding her as heat scorched the surface of her skin._

_“What’s wrong with me?” She whimpered as the feeling disappeared from her legs replaced only with a minor tingle._

_“_ We’re moving closer to the real world, your injuries are greater than I feared. We must go _._ _” The beast didn’t ask but commanded her to get up. Standing by her side, she reached out grabbing a handful the wolf’s thick pelt. Clamping her teeth together, she pulled herself to her numb feet. A shriek echoed in her trapped throat._

_She propelled her feet forward. The numbness spreading across her legs only caused her tumble forward slamming her shoulder into the ground. The wolf_ _’s snout looked over her shoulder towards the fire ahead._

_“_ You can’t walk, can you _?_ _”_

_Evelyn shook her head, burning alive inside her thin armor._

_“I need to get this off.” She tugged at the buckles on her armor desperate to remove layers as the heat grew to a boiling point inside of her._

_“_ Evelyn, stop. We need to go now. _”_

_“My body is on fire, make it stop!” She cried, looking up into the wolf’s face as she fought against her armor._

_“_ Evelyn- _,_ _” the wolf’s eyes were wide, his voice calm as he leaned forward to speak to her. “_ You’re not on fire, you’re freezing to death. Your body is protecting you from the pain of your muscles crystallizing with ice. Trust me, we must leave now or else you never can. _”_

_Tears flowed down Evelyn_ _’s cheeks as she nodded, streams of fire burning the layers of her flesh away one by one. The wolf moved his head under her abdomen, pushing its face into the snow. It appeared on the other side of her, the creature strained as it pushed its haunches up to a standing position, Evelyn thrown over its back._

_“_ Hold on, tight. _” It barked and before she could respond, the wolf sprinted forward._

_The surrounding forest blurred by as the snowfall became heavier and the winds whipped over her skin. She screamed from the back of the galloping beast as a pain like she had never felt before radiated from her side, pushing all the breath from her lungs as she closed her eyes to hold on for her life._

_Without coming to a full stop, the wolf dumped her off his back next to the blue campfire which matched the wolf_ _’s eyes._

_“Is this the way out?” She prayed it was, she couldn't stay here with this pain._

_“_ Of a sort _._ _” It replied sitting across the fire from her. “I needed a thin spot in the veil for this to work. Power the mark.” With its snout, it motioned to her hand, which had curled up and paralyzed as they’d approached the fire._

_“Power it? How? I don’t power it. The rifts pull the energy out of it when I close them!” She yelled at the mangy wolf as she rocked back and forth at the waist, shocks of pain becoming unbearable across her entire body._

_“_ You know who to closing a rift, do the opposite. If the rift pulls it out, push the energy out now. Guide it into your hand now! _” The wolf had lost all patience as her level of pain continued to climb, sobs wracking her frame._

_Lifting her shriveled hand, she closed her eyes. She visualized grabbing the energy and shooting it out of her palm. The mark sprung to life, pain ripped down the length of her arm. Her other hand left her throbbing side to grab her elbow as she gasped unable to scream anymore. The energy crackled and spit from the now glowing mark on her hand._

_“_ Good _,_ _” the wolf stated as it lifted the matching paw, jade-spiraling magic identical to the mark swirling around its claws and the pads of its toes. Pushing its paw into the cobalt fire and nodded to her to do the same._

_With a final grimace, she reached forward, the mark pulling her towards the wolf_ _’s outstretched paw. They met in the center, her curled fingers braced against his furry limb. Green and blue swirling clouds started in the fire, spreading out to encircle around them. They moved faster and faster. Evelyn could feel the power building in her mark until a streak of light split from the ground, shooting straight above into an explosion as Evelyn screamed in blinding pain, fire consuming every inch of her body._

_Her vision blurred as the fire reached her eyes. Attempts to see the wolf through the roaring magical flames proved useless. Its image flickered as its eyes appeared smaller and more human. She focused to distract from the pain, but a wave of overwhelming sensation passed over her. She had found her limit._

_All of this was too much._

_Evelyn slumped, her cheek connecting with the impacted snow as the world turned to black._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for taking your time to read my stories! If you enjoyed this one, please check out Once & Again and other one-shots for this universe in the Idalya Mahariel stories link above. 
> 
> Follow me on Twitter: http://kmandergirl.tumblr.com


	4. The Chapter Where the Herald is Discovered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Herald has been found, but is it too late?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you enjoy these characters, please check out story Once & Again, located up in the Idalya Mahariel stories link to see how Evelyn's time in the Inquisition continues.

Cullen stood frozen in spirit, ice fracturing the edges of his heart. Winds howled around his shoulders causing a painful ache in his ears. The Seeker and Templar stood at his sides, waiting for him to say the order they knew he needed to be the one to make. It had been hours since they left the safety of the camp if they didn’t turn back soon they would be the next names on the growing list of casualties from Haven.

 _“Evelyn, please…”_ The words rolled off his tongue, the air biting at the last pieces of warmed flesh he had. His legs wavered, dropping to one knee as tears threatened to sideline any sense of duty he had left remaining in his bones.

His day had started with such fear, watching Evelyn seal the breach, a wall of Templar standing behind her as she stitched it shut like the finest of seamstresses. Elation had filled Haven as they had erupted in celebration thinking the battle to be over.

Horror had taken its place as the blood mages and corrupted Templar had flooded over their walls into their home. The heartbreak of losing the only thing that had mattered to him in all the insanity weighed his heart down into the pads of his boots.

The Inquisition existed because Evelyn had the ability to do something extraordinary. She would fade to dust with the relics of the past now that her light had extinguished. Thedas would fall to the darkness she had seen in Redcliffe.

Cullen turned to look up at Cassandra for some sense of reassurance, but the Seeker shoulders were turned, her brow raised as she questioned something in the distance. Barris was facing the same direction, his hand outstretched sensing something through the palm of his hand.

“What’s happening?” He questioned the Templar who had stepped towards the camp they had deserted on this wild goose chase.

“Do you not feel that?” Barris asked as he pulled his sword from his scabbard looking over at Cassandra who mimicked the action.

“It’s magic, Cullen. Powerful magic and it’s coming this way. Corypheus has found us.” Cassandra’s words hissed through her teeth as she sensed their incoming opponent.

The Commander scrambled to his feet, his hand tight around the handle of his sword that frozen within its sheath. His job was to protect their civilians, and he had walked away to search through mountains of snow for a dead woman who had begged him to keep them safe.

_Another duty he had failed._

Cassandra and Barris stepped forward in unison, their hands outstretched in front of them, prepared to nullify any magic that came at them.

Far ahead in the distance, he saw it: a glowing jade cloud traveling _fast_ over the surface of the snow, climbing the mountain at an ungodly speed. It was coming straight towards them, a roaring mass of energy they were standing in front of.

 _“Cullen, MOVE!”_ Cassandra grabbed him by the arm, throwing him to the side of her.

Barris dove to the other side. Just missing the magic they had no chance of slowing, much less containing.

The cloud sped by them, the sound deafening as it passed. It continued to climb the steep drifts of snow until on the bank above them the energy dove below the surface. A brilliant explosion of light appearing above the spot where a green illuminated symbol of the Inquisition now floated above the spot.

It was Evelyn- _she lived._

_Thank the Maker._

“Evelyn!” Cullen cried as all three warriors took off climbing up the steep rifts of snow.

They were exhausted, but climbed as fast as their limbs would allow. His heart was beating so hard in his chest he felt nauseous. His muscles screamed against the extra force of climbing over the snow ledge. He scaled the edge first, scrambling to his feet, as he ran the remaining distance where the green light was flowing out of the broken ground.

He sank to his knees, pawing off the layers of snow, pushing them to the side. Barris cleared the top and helped Cassandra over the last few feet. As he swept the layers off, his hand grazed across something dark underneath the snow- _leather armor_.

Cassandra and Barris helped him move the snow as they could. Evelyn’s leather breastplate and legs appeared as Cullen clawed away the snow covering her head, her hair dirty and blood caked. When free of her icy prison, Cullen pulled his gloves from his hands, the frigid cold shocking his skin, as he searched against her throat for any sign of life from the unmoving women. His fingers shook in the biting cold as he pressed into the flesh of her neck praying for any sensation.

_Boom._

There it was. A cry escaped his throat as he felt that tiny beat of her heart.

“She’s alive!” He screamed as Cassandra and Barris finished unearthing the Herald.

Most of her armor was missing. Her clothes disheveled, and the half removed. Her flesh had lost all natural hue and had absorbed the icy translucency of the snow, her appendages varying shades of blue, purple, and black. Cullen reached below her to free her from under the snow and his heart seized as she lifted in one solid, unmoving piece. She was so stiff if he hadn’t felt the dim beat of her heart under his fingers he would have assumed her frozen solid.

Wrapping her in his arms, he motioned for Cassandra to come closer. “My surcoat.”

The Seeker reached up, unbuckling his fur-lined cape from his shoulders. She wrapped it around the Herald within the warmth the fur had trapped inside.

The shivers that had been part of his body for hours now multiplied in their volume as the cold penetrated through his armor into his back like an icy fist tightened around his spine. Without speaking, the trio set off back down the side of the mountain to bring their leader back to their camp before it was too late.

They had left without bringing extra medical supplies or blankets for warmth.

_What had he been thinking?_

He was never practical about these things. The three warriors would battle against the elements for the life of Evelyn Trevelyan. As they progressed back the glowing mark in the air hovered in the sky following them as they made their descent back to the vital supplies they needed.

Reaching a plateau, Cullen’s legs wavered through the thick drifts of snow that covered their path back through the camp. He hadn’t eaten since before they closed the Breach and his withdrawal was attacking him with a vengeance as he cursed his feeble legs he couldn’t move forward.

A warm hand gripped his shoulder. “Brother, let me share your burden.”

Cullen looked up at the Templar. He wanted to fight, but he didn’t have the strength. Barris’ arms reached out lifting the woman who had not become more pliable as heat worked through her limbs. Cullen tried to ignore the look of concern that passed his features as the Templar secured her within his arms before setting off down the remaining part of the mountain as Cassandra helped return him to his feet.

“We’ll be there soon enough, and you can rest. Thanks to you, she has a chance, Cullen.” He nodded, numb to emotion, as speaking became too much for his exhausted body.

Barris was relentless as he navigated through the waves of ice and snow as their progress drew them closer towards the flat plains that would lead them back to the camp. The Templar halted as they entered a straight away, his eyes narrowed at something moving towards them in the distance.

The floating symbol rose higher above them before the energy caved in on itself, exploding into thousands of glowing emerald stars. The vibrant twinkling faded away leaving them in the dark as a force grew closer.

Cullen felt the pressure in the air _pop_ around them as an exhausted and frantic looking Solas appeared in front of him at the end of his Fadestep.

His critical eyes looked over Evelyn as he ignored the rest of the party. “Does she live?”

“Barely.” Thank the Maker, Barris could answer because if Cullen had to say the words out loud he would have sunk down into the snow hoping that it would bury him once and for all.

Solas uttered something under his breath as he reached out towards the Templar. “She needs to be in camp.”

Cullen moved to protest, but Barris moved without hesitation to hand over the frozen woman into the mage’s arms that looked too thin to hold the block of ice that was once their leader. Before Cullen could blink, the two escaped down the side of the mountain. Solas carrying her away with their last hope.

Cullen was helpless to do anything but stand and watch.

 

*****

 

After a lifetime had passed, the three warriors entered back into the perimeter of the camp they had abandoned in secret hours before. Civilians looked up in shocked silence as they walked by, their eyes still filled with fear, but now in the distance of their eyes another emotion existed that they had long since abandoned: _hope_.

Cullen’s heavy boots led him straight to the medical tents as he could hear Dorian calling out orders to those assisting them. Even with reduced Templar powers, the smell of magic hung in the air, coating the inside of the heavy fabric. The musty taste of mana choked the back of his throat as he pushed the flap of the tent open and entered.

Leliana sighed, a look of relief washing over her face as she ran over to wrap her warm arms around his frozen neck.

“I believe she’ll live.” She whispered in his ear, her breath steaming against his frozen ears.

There were so many people surrounding Evelyn he couldn’t even see her other than tangles of auburn hair off the far end of the makeshift table.

“Cullen, do we have other stores of lyrium?”

He shook his head as he observed the two mages who looked like they were close to collapse. Dorian and Solas were pale, their magic tasked to the farthest point that either mage could push without risk of their own lives.

Leliana’s head fell as she turned to Dorian, her eyes telling him everything he needed to progress.

The mage exhaled, his head tilted towards the ceiling. His eyes closed as he had one moment to prepare himself. “I need rope, something strong to tie.”

Josephine told him they were out of all supplies. There were none left to treat Evelyn by the time the warriors had found her buried beneath the waves of snow.

Dorian cursed in Tevene as he reached to his side pulling an onyx-handed dagger with a sloped blade. Moving to Evelyn’s legs he pulled the leather away from her skin as he used the edge of the knife to split a seam on both legs, pulling the leather apart and freeing her legs from their frozen encampment before moving back towards her head.

Solas pulled back the blanket covering Evelyn’s legs as his thin fingers traced the red lines from her blackened toes up over her blue-tinted feet and legs. The elf looked up at Dorian with a pointed look and shook his head as her cousin’s shoulders fell and a deep sigh echoed out of his hollow chest.

“I’m sorry, Ev.” He whispered.

Reaching down, he pulled a large handful of her beautiful auburn hair away from her scalp. He used the blade to saw through the strands that frayed as the dagger sliced through them.

Shock prevented him from arguing with the mages.

As Dorian pulled the handful of hair free, he twisted the strands around until it resembled a brilliant colored rope which he passed to Solas.

Lifting Evelyn’s leg, he tied the rope around her knee, tightening the hold, until satisfied with the fit. Dorian replicated the process until they had a flaming red rope tied around both woman’s knees. The elf propped her knees up so that her discolored feet were now down on the table facing him.

The mages dismissed the women in the tent. Leliana’s eyes fell as she escorted a panicked Josephine from the tent who didn’t understand what was about to happen. The Spymaster avoided Cullen’s eyes as she ushered the confused Ambassador out into the cold. Her arm pressed against his forearm as they passed the only sign of her feelings about the matter.

The only ones remaining inside the tent were him, the mages, and Evelyn as the two mages spoke, whispered breathed between the two, before agreeing on their plan and moving into position at the Herald’s feet.

“What are you doing?” Cullen pushed forward to get between the men and the woman he had sworn to protect.

“Cullen.” Dorian grabbed him by the shoulders as his gray eyes deep set and tired. “I’m sorry. She was out there for too long. Frostbite has set in. If we don’t cut now, she’ll lose both her feet and her life.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading my fic, I really appreciate it. 
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr for Once & Again updates: http://kmandergirl.tumblr.com


	5. The Chapter Where Evelyn Loses Something to Survive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Herald still isn't out the woods. Cullen will do whatever is needed to make sure she survives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to chapter 5! Next chapter will be up in two or three days.

_She was out there for too long._

That was his fault, wasn’t it? The minute he saw her mark extinguished from the avalanche he should have set out regardless of the consequences and not returned until she was safe within his arms.

“If you’re not here to help, then I need you to leave.”

He knew it wasn’t an idle threat that if Dorian thought Cullen was standing in the way of Evelyn surviving that the mage would not hesitate knocking his ass out of the tent.

“I can help.” He didn’t recognize the voice that spoke the words, but knew it belonged to him. “What can I do?”

“If she wakes up as we cut, we’ll need you to be by her side to restrain her.” Dorian brushed a trail of beaded sweat out of his eyes. “Until then, comfort her. Let her know we’re doing everything we can. I know it would comfort her to know you’re close.”

He couldn’t take time to analyze the mage’s words as his eyes glued to her now violet-shaded lips and lids that covered her pale emerald eyes. His feet were numb from emotion instead of the cold as he took his place at her side.

Her head had lolled towards him and he knelt on one knee so their faces were parallel as he tried to block out that the mages sanitizing daggers to his right.

It was the closest he’d ever been to the woman who had taken his heart captive other than hours ago when his lips had first pressed against hers in fear as the world had threatened to fall around them. Things had felt so simple and so clear in that moment as he’d watched her turn to leave. He wasn’t a brave man by any means, but he could not focus on his job when the thought of incoming doom threatened to separate them forever.

It was an impulsive decision, but he wouldn’t be sure until she awoke if he regretted it at all. She was his leader, it had been inappropriate to compromise her position the way he had in front of both their soldiers, yet the feel and smell of her against him in that moment had been worth the career suicide he had committed.

His shaking fingers drifted up to push the stray and dirt-caked strands of her hair from her face. She was so pale, but the hints of blue were fading from her cheeks and forehead. He gasped as the smell of blood hit him, nausea stroking his throat, he tried to ignore its owner.

Watching her face for any sign of growing life within her, he heard the mages cutting through bone. His eyes trailed over the edges of her features, memorizing every minute detail as he blocked out where they were. He imagined simpler times when the task in front of them seemed so much more achievable.

_What had she been like before the Conclave?_

_How much had being the Herald changed her?_

When cuffed and locked in the dungeons awaiting judgment after the Conclave, all she had muttered over and over was a plea not to let her family find her. She had begged that if she would die, to let it be by their hands and not her family. He’d like to imagine a young Evelyn, youthful and full of spirit as she navigated the world, but he feared the reality was nothing that resembled his naïve fantasies.

He released a sigh, his warm breath wafting over her icy expanse of her skin. Her cheek twitched at the rapid change in temperature.

“She moved!” He exclaimed as he looked up to find the two mages were regarding him with some sense of humor in their exhausted eyes.

The ends of her legs were wrapped in recycled bandages. The tips of her feet bundled with the ripped shreds of Solas’ tunic. Each mage pouring a steady stream of healing magic into Evelyn’s curled and blackened hands.

Feeling embarrassment in his outburst, he turned back to the sleeping Herald whose lips were gaining the slightest touch of pink at the edges. The swell of magic rose bile in his throat as the mages pushed what stores of mana they had regained into each finger, working life back into each joint at a time.

Cullen held his breath as he focused on every single eyelash, every concave patch of skin, every smooth curve of her features as he blocked the violent need for lyrium his system was screaming for.

“It’s done.” Dorian said and Cullen exhaled coughing at the thick and heady taste of magic that filled the tent.

Solas had lost more of his shirt, but Evelyn’s hands were wrapped tight to protect her raw flesh from the cold. Her body position looked more natural though still solid with the cold that had penetrated inside her snowy tomb for hours.

“I will need you to strip now, Commander.”

Cullen looked up in disbelief as Solas rolled his eyes, his irritation clear, as he finished tightening the cloth over her other hand.

“What? We can find other supplies for bandages.” He sputtered out at Dorian who had raised a daring eyebrow that caused a hot flush to press against the back of his neck down into his chest.

“She needs heat, you imbecile, but it has to be over time, otherwise she’ll go into shock. Solas and I must rest. So, the glamorous job of stripping down and warming up the Herald falls to you, good sir. I’m certain she wouldn’t mind.” The mage winked at him as his haggard legs removed him from the tent to the frigid air outside.

Solas followed behind him, his shoulders down as the tent flap closed shut leaving Cullen alone in the tent with Evelyn whose survival depended on his warmth. He blocked out the critical voice that whispered in the back of his mind he was not worthy to be in her presence.

With a grunt of frustration, he unbuckled his armor as he tried not to dwell about what everyone outside the tent was saying as their Commander stripped his clothes to lie with their incapacitated Herald. He flung his armor to the side uncharacteristic of his usual care for metal.

He pulled his tunic over his head, his skin prickling in response to the cool air blowing across it. Unlacing his boots, he threw them off to the side. He stilled at the laces to his breeches. Evelyn wore a thin sleeveless tunic and a pair of small clothes after the mages had freed her from the icy leather that had clung against her skin.

He pressed the palms of his hands against the leather of his breeches and he sighed at how cold the leather felt against his skin. With a sigh, he loosened the ties, sliding them down over the trembling muscles in his thighs while praying in his mind to the Maker for forgiveness for what appeared to be him taking advantage of an unconscious woman.

A shiver shook his body as he drew near and crawled onto the large cot, turning onto his side next to the sleeping woman. He pulled the messy stack of blankets at the bottom of the cot up over their bodies as he tried to prevent his teeth from chattering as Evelyn’s ice-cold thigh pressed against the skin of his legs.

He wished he had gotten better instructions from the mages instead of staring at Dorian gap-jawed in shock at what the Herald needed. With one more silent prayer, his arm reached around her midsection as he rotated her from her back to her side mimicking his own position as he pulled her closer against his skin. A hiss released through his teeth at her ice meeting his fire.

With careful movements, he lifted her head, sliding his lower arm below to cushion below as his other hand wrapped back over her side to seal in as much warmth as he could muster. Cullen tried going over checklists in his head of what needed completion tomorrow, so he could move his attention away from the fact that Evelyn Trevelyan was naked and curled up within his arms.

He wished he was a betting man for the odds he'd had of ending up in this moment. The thought of something like this coming to fruition even half a day ago seemed ludicrous, but here he was. He had found her against unbelievable odds and they had brought her back in time for the mages to repair damage the cold had wracked on her system.

His face turned closer to hers as he nestled his face within the matted tangle of hair. He could still smell the trace of lemon between the locks that lingered despite everything that had happened to her that night. That one smell was enough break the barrier of emotions he had been holding back since he saw the avalanche sweep through Haven taking her life away with it. Violent sobs ripped through his body as his tears flowed into the hair that wrapped around his neck and shoulders. His tears kept flowing until there were no more left to shed and his body grew silent.

His exhaustion caught up to him. When he tried to open his eyes, he found he was empty of the energy needed to force them open any longer.

_Yes, rest._

He would close his eyes and retain his sense of dignity in this situation so at least both could heal as everyone outside waited and prayed for his warmth to be enough to bring the dead Herald back to life

*****

_“Cullen.”_

_His eyes fluttered open. Once again, he had fallen asleep on watch. If Gregoire discovered him falling asleep on library watch, he couldn_ _’t imagine the punishments he’d receive for shirking his post. He shook his feet trying to move sensation back into his stiff limbs while rolling his shoulders to regain movement._

_The room was still as his eyes scanned over the aisles of dusty books that lined the Kinloch Circle library. He'd lost track of time as he'd dozed in the darkened hallway.  
From the far end, a brief flicker of the light caught his attention. He withdrew his sword as he approached the far corner where he had seen the change in light. Rounding the aisle, he held out his sword then relaxed as Solona gasped from her hiding spot. Open books draped across her long legs as she rested on the floor._

_“Maker!” She squeaked out with a hand braced over her heart, her chest gasping for air. “You scared me to death!” She hissed, banging a fist into the side of his shin. Her face grimaced as the side of her hand contacted his heavy plate._

_He chuckled, kneeling to face her._ _“Solona, you know you’re not supposed to be here.”_

_“Oh, really? I'm sure Templar aren’t supposed to sleep on duty either.” She raised a sloped brow at him and a burning flush spread over his skin like the dragging of her nails on exposed flesh._

_Now it was her turn to laugh as the Templar backpedaled out of the inevitable communication mistake he made. Speaking was not his strongpoint as women were always quick to remind him as their verbal joust continued._

_A sly grin passed over the curve of the mage’s deep-rose lips, “I’ll keep your secret safe.”_

_Her sky-blue eyes held his, missing the simple innocence she carried with her throughout the days. She was watched, monitored, and critiqued every moment of her life. Mages were a danger outside of the bricks of the Circle, it was said. The irony was thick that the person she was most dangerous to was right in front of her. A fact that became clearer the longer he held her_ _gaze._

_“Thank you, my lady.” The line came out much smoother than he had expected his self-confidence surged before it faded away as he panicked about the next thing he would say._

_This was dangerous territory he was in. If caught fraternizing with mages after curfew, he knew the consequences would be stiff for any Templar breaking the rules, but the longer he stared into the endless blue in her eyes the less he cared for the consequences._

_“What are you doing out of bed at this hour?”_

_She was studying from the pile of textbooks open in her lap. He wanted to hope that the dark-haired beauty had snuck out against rules on the chance she might see him._

_“I thought my purpose was obvious.” She looked down at the disorderly mess of tomes overflowing from her shapely legs to the floor. Looking up through her black fluttering lashes, Cullen’s tender heart skipped a beat at the spell she was casting over him without a word he could not nullify._

_His heart was pounding in his chest, radiating the throbbing through his throat as he stared at her. Her hair was down out of its usual tightened bun she affixed to the bottom of her head. The strands were straight, running down the curves of her back, shimmering with the purest tones of black that blended into the dark background behind her. She was part of the night- midnight and mystery wrapped up in one incomprehensible package that preoccupied his thoughts during the long hours of the night._

_He cleared his throat as he tried to summon all his ability to sound professional into his vocal chords._ _“As a Templar, it’s my job to ensure that the mages are following rules.” Her head tilted towards the side as she measured something about him he could not understand._

_“What's the punishment for breaking the rules?” She whispered, her bottom lip jutting out, so he could look at nothing but the dip and curves that lined her mouth._

_“I w-would…” all sense of control of the situation he could have had evaporated like the sweat running down his back._

_Solona was now in control of him and could tell him to do anything he would have obeyed to earn her approval._

_Her lips tilted upwards as she sat straight up, the edge of her robes slipping down to reveal a hint of the cleavage hidden beneath. Mage robes were not revealing by nature but hiding what was underneath made them an active part of many Templar_ _’s fantasy.  Stories he'd heard whispered within the Templar area of the Circle. She noticed where his eyes had drifted, and she pulled her shoulders back, the slight movement causing her bust to rise higher against the confinements of the fabric._

_Cullen_ _’s breath hitched as he realized that Solona was causing this reaction of his on purpose. A heat bloomed across his body as the deafening lust of teenage years drowned the blood within his veins. He belonged to her, he knew that. He had known from the first day he had seen her and her ebony hair walking the halls of the Circle._

_Growing up he never thought himself the sentimental type. His focus had been on training and serving. The thought of feelings like what Solona caused could interfere with those missions had never entered his mind in the years he had focused on the singular goal of becoming a Templar. He had watched the love his parents shared with one another and thought it beautiful, but not meant for him. Solona had blown the lid off that theory and set ablaze a fire within his chest that burned for the briefest touch from the mage._

_With sure and precise hands, the mage reached and pulled at the collar of her robes that slipped over her sloped shoulders. As the fabric moved down her collarbones and over her chest, his breath froze as he tried to force himself to tell her to stop, that it wasn_ _’t appropriate. But he couldn’t. He was under her spell and unable to stop her from anything he desired. The fabric pooled on the top of the tomes in her lap as the top of her cleavage was now visible above the exposed strip of cloth that held the rest of her modesty._

_“Come, Cullen.” She inhaled, her breath stuttering as she exhaled._

_His armor echoed through the empty library as his feet met the stone floor as he ambled towards her, unknowing how far he will let his go. How far would he bend the rules he had strove all his life to enforce? He'd judged the Templar who'd taken advantage of their wards, leaving innocent mages pregnant and terrified with a Knight-Commander breathing down their neck. Here he was about to make the same mistake for sparkling eyes and hair as dark as midnight._

_He reached his shaking fingers out to slide them along the sides of her jaw. Her pale blue eyes closed, her lashes fluttering shut as the sensation. He pulled her face towards his until they were their noses touched. Their breaths uneven and panicked at the danger they frolicked through._

_“Solona.” The whisper was a prayer that fell from his lips as he closed his eyes praying for strength from the Maker to let him continue walking a path of righteousness in their name._

_He felt her moving as her hand came up to rest over his heart on his breastplate. The metal stood cold and protecting between them, but Cullen burned at the thought of her touch against his bare skin. He felt the motion of her hand drifting until he gasped as her fingers dipped to the skin of his neck and floated over the surface of his skin. Her fingers traveled their path until they arrived at the edge of his chin, guiding him the remaining distance to her full and wanting lips. A shudder ran the length of his body as he felt the ghost of her breath run over his lips and he sighed, intoxicated by having her so close._

_“Do you belong to me?”_

_Her question echoed in his brain as he tried to understand how this could be happening._

_“Yes.” He croaked out with hesitation. Of that he had no question, his body and soul belonged to her._

_“Good.” She answered, but her voice had a different timbre to it, a sound that pulled at his memories like a sound once forgotten._

_His features wrinkled as he tried to process what was happening. As he moved forward to claim the lips he had so hungered for, he opened his eyes. Her violet-toned skin stared back as his mouth curled open, a scream of terror exited him that echoed through the library stones as the desire demon grinned and pulled him forward, claiming her victory._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr: http://kmandergirl.tumblr.com
> 
> If you're enjoying this story, please check out the Idalya Mahariel stories link above.


	6. The Chapter Where Cullen Comes Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen's body heat was successful at saving the Herald's life, but other issues become more pressing matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I lied. Here's the next chapter. I had too much fun rewriting smut.

Cullen’s eyes flew open in panic. His breath stuck within his closed throat as he gasped for breath. The pounding of his heart ricocheted in his chest until he felt his head swimming around him, his stomach threatening to revolt and eject what little contents it still contained.

Seeing the roof of the tent above him, he calmed; his eyes closed as he pushed out the final vision of Solona out of his brain. Nightmares of the mage had dwindled over the years, tucked into the deepest parts of his mind. That was until he had decided he was breaking the Chantry’s invisible chains from around his wrists. Now it was not uncommon for him to replay the mage’s death for the few hours of sleep he managed.

Something pulled at the back of his tired brain. A tiny thought forcing its way to the front of his skull, screaming until there was no way to forget. Exhaustion was already pulling him back into the Fade again. Warmth draped over him, his limbs wrapped in billowing fire. Sleep. He’d rested, but his aching limbs reminded him,  he was still in need of more. He could sleep for a lifetime and still not feel rested.

Years of lyrium had drained the energy from his bones replacing it with a foreign power, fueling his every movement since he was eighteen. Without it, he was just a man struggling to remember who he might have been once before the first draught of lyrium touched his willing tongue.

An area of warmth shifted against him and Cullen froze, his lungs in shock as memories poured back into his mind.

_The rift. Haven. Corypheus. Evelyn. Avalanche._

A crushing tear of grief pushed against his chest at the memory of watching the devastating wall of snow cover Haven, blotting out the glowing green in Evelyn’s hand.

Turning his head towards the radiating warmth, a sob escaped as the smell of dirt and lemon traveled up the length of his nose reminding him even though he still kept the memory watching her die, there was evidence to the contrary next to him she had survived.

The freezing and frigid woman, he had failed, asleep next to him had melted away to reveal a woman of glowing warmth and brightness, now dozing like a cat spread out tracing a beam of sun.

He reopened his eyes allowing them to adjust to the dim lighting within the tent. There was one small candle lit on a makeshift table towards the end casting a weakened flicker across the inside of the tent. It was enough light he saw not only that Evelyn was here with him, but most of her creamy-peach hue had returned to the expanses of her skin.

Her burning cheek still rested on the arm below her head, tangles of dirty auburn hair wrapped his neck as he studied the cut strands Dorian had taken yesterday to stop the flow of circulation to her feet.

Turning himself on his side, he sighed as the warmth of her back pressed against his abdomen burrowing into his chest. He had no idea how long they had slept for her to warm so, but long enough that there were people waiting outside now determined he was taking advantage of their Inquisitor. He needed to get out of bed, get dressed, and report back. It had worked, and he believed she would be fine.

As he prepared himself for the barrage of comments, he’d get upon his exit, Evelyn snuggled back closer to him and he loved with how well the woman fit against him. Their bodies two pieces of cut cloth sewed back together as one cohesive unit.

His free hand moved until his unworthy fingers were drifting down the length of creamy skin on her forearm. The tightness in her body had left as the ice had melted away, leaving behind an exquisite softness. She was infallible with the little softness she allowed others to see. This was her with the titles and armor stripped away- this was the _real_ her.

What catastrophes had to occur for him to be laying next to this woman? Touching, being connected to her, filled his veins with a strength he had forgotten since he first used lyrium. If he had a way to bottle her, keeping her with him he’d never crave the humming sapphire lullaby again.

He burrowed his nose into her hair and inhaled as he gave up forcing himself out of the cot prepared for their incoming Herald. Once he left this tent, he may never be this close to her again. What was the damage for allowing her to gain rest while he pretended this was something it wasn’t? As Herald of the Inquisition, it was guaranteed she'd never chose a man like him.   
This beloved memory would remind him to keep fighting when the little bottles sang about their sweet release.

A soft moan escaped her lips as she stretched her back in slumber. Cullen’s eyes shot open as the curve of her ass brushed against his covered cock which eagerly awakened as her proximity now caused a different blossoming of warmth throughout his body.

This was dangerous territory.

He needed to get out of bed now before any compounding future embarrassment killed him on the spot. She stretched her shoulders back against his chest as she shifted, placing his lips now next to the shell of her ear and graceful slope of her neck.

His breathing was haggard as his mind fought a war he was unsure he wanted to win. Her body kept moving against his in her sleep as she tested the muscles where ice had crystallized inside her mere hours ago. The slow brushes of her form were driving him insane as he moved and angled his begging hips away from her to save himself some dignity before forcing himself away from her inviting warmth.

A whimper echoed from her chest as she arched back to replace the missing warmth. Her ass found the edge of his hip as she ground back into him with a sigh. Cullen erupted into flames at her touch which would destroy everything around them. He'd melt all the snow on this mountain from the sensations she was drawing out of him.

A weak cry fell from her as a tension spread through her body. Her muscles spasmed as he recognized the signs of a nightmare settling into her. She pressed the side of her head against the comfort of his arm as she struggled in her dream against her invisible attacker.

Missing the normal hesitation that plagued his life, Cullen reached his free arm around Evelyn’s side, drawing her body close against his. His rough hand resting against her stomach as his lips shushed against the edge of her jaw.

“It’s okay.” He whispered against her skin, the rough edges of his beard combing against her. The sob passed her lips as she fought her way out of her slumber, thrashing against him away from whatever monster was ruling her dreams, but Cullen held firm keeping her secured to his chest.

He would never allow harm to come to her ever again even if it meant protecting her from herself.

“Evelyn, you’re safe.” He mumbled into her jaw as she jarred from whatever hell she was in. “You’re safe now, I’m here.”

Cullen whispered the words he longed to hear as he awoke terrified each night. Worlds of terror his mind created from guilts he held on to.

Her fighting slowed as tears poured, sobs wracking her abundant frame. He curled his body tighter around her as his hand moved from her waist to her hair as pulled it back from her face.

“I won’t let anything harm you.”

Words were spilling out of him, but he didn’t care as they worked to calm the woman in hysterics within his arms. She cried as the emotions frozen inside her leaked out into the world. They laid in silence, her crying her fear and anger out as he bushed his fingers through the long strands of her hair.

As the shaking subsided in her body, she tilted her head back to see him, her eyes reddened and bloodshot.

“ _Cul_ _…len?”_

The swell of a frightening emotion he didn’t recognize flowed out of his chest at her broken word. He lifted the arm below her head and used his loose hand to move her hips towards him rotating her until his arms wrapped around her. Gazing into her red-streaked eyes where her olive center glowed, his breath hitched to see her without the barrier she kept up to keep people away.

“ _Oh, Ev._ _” Ev._ Even the sound of the word passing his lips felt better than anything he’d ever spoken. It felt so _right._ Her bottom lip quivered as she looked up at him. Her eyes wide and filled with fright, talons slicing through his heart as he tried to contain what little control he had.

“Did…” her eyes darted around the tent, their panic clear as day. “Did we die, Cullen?” She sounded so fearful as the word stuttered through her raw and chapped lips.

“Maker, no. Evelyn, we survived.” Her fear broke all form of self control the Templar had spent his life building. His hand tilted her jaw up as he pressed his wind-burnt lips to hers.The world around them stood still as he gasped at the overwhelming flood of emotions pouring through him as she reciprocated his affection.

She sighed as her tongue caressed the space between his lips, begging for entrance. He opened to her, his own tongue sliding to meet hers in a delicate dance. A whimper echoed within her throat he devoured as she pressed her mouth tighter against his. Their lazy rhythm increased in intensity as all of his body transitioned from the overwhelming feeling of needing to protect her to the desperate need to consume all of her.

As breathing became more difficult Cullen leaned away, a light chuckle worked its way out of throat at how her mouth followed him as his lips found their way to the edge of her jaw. Using lips, tongue, and teeth he traced the path, joy surging through his body as he learned the sounds of her body reacting to his. She gasped into his arm as his lips settled onto the soft flesh at her neck as they parted, sucking along the skin.

Evelyn moaned an indecent sound and a possessiveness he hadn’t known he owned came to life as the need to be the only one to ever hear this sound became everything he wanted.

With a surprising strength, she rolled on her back bringing Cullen with her. He had a perched knee between her trembling thighs, his mouth still joined to her neck as she moaned louder. Her hips arched to run her seam along the trail of his hip as he gasped into her throat at her skin dragging over his clothed cock. He shifted his hips over so his erection pressed into the apex of her thighs, into the wetness pooled into her small clothes.

“ _Yes._ _” S_ he ground her cunt against him, her slick wetness coating through the thin fabric separating the two.

He was throbbing against her as his lips traveled down the length of her neck, sucking at edge of her collarbones as she continued to grind hard against him. Her hips, all the while, massaged subtle circles around his cock as she worked him into a frenzy.

 _It was too much._ He needed to stop himself. After a firm thrust against her wetness, he pulled back panting as he stared at into her pale emerald eyes, her pupils blown as she drowned in a burning passion for him, of all people.

“Cullen, please?” Her voice filled with an unease he had never heard her utter before. She looked deep into his eyes studying him as she considered something. “It doesn’t have to mean anything.” She whispered, her eyes still meeting his, refusing to look away with her growing shame. “Just remind me what it's like to be alive. I will tell no one.”

Her words broke his heart as he saw the fear hidden in the depths of the olive oceans of her eyes. _How could she believe herself worth so little?_

“No, Ev.” He shook his head, her features falling.

Her shame at needing to feel _something_ took over as her body stiffened below him, the ice creeping back into her limbs. He lowered his face to place a gentle kiss to the bow of her upper lip as he hovered right above her.

“I could never touch you and have it mean nothing” He whispered as tears filled her eyes.

“What do you want from me?” She was a frightened child hiding beneath him, ready to run at the first scare.

“What do I want?” It was incredulous how she didn’t know. “All I want is you, Ev.” His free hand moved up to wipe the tears trailing down the sides of her face.

“I don’t know how to believe you.” The words were a breath exhaled into the quiet of the surrounding room, shocking him straight to his soul.

Her face told him she was unconvinced of his words, but he didn’t know how to explain the roaring inferno she had created in his chest pining only for her. He pressed a soft kiss to the corner of her mouth as she remained frozen below him.

“Do you think I’m beautiful?”

The question was so quiet that if he hadn’t been close to her lips, he never would have heard it. Pulling his head back, he peered into her eyes.

“You’re beautiful, Evelyn, but you’re so much more than that. You lead with such strength. You’re fearless in battle, born to hold your daggers within your hands.”

There was a change in her eyes, her brow softening, as she listened to his words.

He continued praying to the Maker he wasn’t digging himself into a hole he’d never get to crawl out of. “You’re a warrior unlike any I’ve ever seen. I could never lead the Inquisition, but you do it with such grace. You didn’t choose this life, it was chosen for you, yet, you have lead us to be who we are today.”

A harsh laugh came out of her and Cullen’s face fell, his fear over what just tumbled out of his mouth consuming him. As usual, he was a fucking idiot with words and had screwed, whatever this was, up. He opened his clenched eyes, surprised when he saw the hint of a smile over the curve of her lips.

In one fluid motion, she pushed up, pressing her parted lips against his as his needing tongue slid back inside her, her stifled moan breathing life into his deadened heart.

Lifting her hands to paw at his back, she froze in place, her eyes open wide as Cullen understood what he had forgotten to tell her. Rolling off her to the side, Evelyn pushed the blanket down exposing the tight bandages wrapped from the tips of her fingers to her wrists. With a frustrated cry, she struggled to rip the bandages from her hands. Cullen grabbed her wrists stopping her as he sat up having to use his full weight to keep her from destroying the bandages.

“Ev, let me help.” He tried to keep his words even as his mind raced about how he'd explain the damage done to her body by the frigid temperatures.

She stopped struggling as Cullen’s fingers loosened the fabric Solas had wrapped around her ice-burnt hands. Evelyn’s breaths became more irregular as he removed each layer, preparing herself for what laid beneath.

Reaching the wrapping, Cullen looked up meeting her eyes. Her fear being replaced by the strength she leads with. He inhaled deep into his lungs, pulling the large strip of fabric across her palm. His mouth fell open in shock at the pink flesh underneath. The blackened tissue gone, the surface raw, resembling her normal skin tone, glowing a bright red the longer it remained exposed to air.

She reached out, dragging her fingers along the flesh, twinging at the sensation in her sensitive hands. Rotating them in front of her face, she examined every inch of her skin making sure it was how she remembered, each scar where she left it, the mark casting a sputtering jade luminescence as she peered at all sides.

Cullen pulled the blanket back revealing her wrapped feet with dried blossoms of crimson through the fabric.

“Ev,” he started, unsure what to tell her.

Evelyn’s emotions were bouncing around, changing every minute as she processed what happened to her after Corypheus attacked Haven. “You were in the cold too long.” She eyes met his, horror-lacing her expression as her eyes floated back to the blood-caked and uneven bandages on her feet.

“Take them off.” She whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're enjoying the story, please check the Idalya Mahariel stories in the link above. 
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr: http://kmandergirl.tumblr.com


	7. The Chapter Where Cullen Meets His Match

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evelyn discovers what she lost to survive. Cullen does everything in his ability to meet her needs as Herald.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry, I forgot to post this earlier. My brain has been sucked into Once & Again edits and this chapter was forgotten in the long list of edits. 
> 
> If you're enjoying this fic, please check out Once & Again in the Idalya Mahariel stories link above. Chapters 1-18 are rewritten and posted now.

He knew it was an order without asking. For anyone else, he would have left, grabbing one of the mages to explain what occurred, but he knew it was unnecessary for her.

Unwinding the fabric, the metallic smell of her dried blood becoming stronger as he unwound the layers. The altered shape of her left foot appeared as the layers were removed, Cullen exhaled as his hands refused to stop, refusing to look at any inch of her like it wasn’t a blessing from the Maker himself. Evelyn’s eyes grew wide in shock as Cullen removed the final part of the bandage revealing where her three smallest toes were removed in succession.

“The damage was too much. There was an infection and it would spread into your bloodstream without intervention. This saved your life.” He mumbled as Evelyn sat silent observing her misshapen foot and its fading crimson color. A huge change from the deep blacks and purples that consumed her foot as the mages started their work.

She examined the other foot with its remaining toes, the same sore and reddish skin covering all sides. Sitting up, she reached a shaking hand out to drift her fingers over the sealed edge where her toes used to exist.

“So much for the prized marriage my father always wanted.” Her bitter tone chilled him worse than the building snow outside.

“They feel like they’re still there.” She mused as she wiggled the toes in the air as Cullen studied her in fascination.

However, he thought she would react to finding out that her cousin amputated most the toes on her left foot, this was _not_ it.

“Are you okay, my lady?” He asked, careful not to draw her ire during this difficult time as he presumed she was in shock.

“Yes.” She was more confident than he expected. “Don’t you understand what this means?” She smirked at the lopsided foot as she whispered. “All this time I’ve been afraid my father would come here to drag me back home as his property, but now I’m deformed- _damaged_ _goods_. He has no use for me anymore. I’m hideous, un-marryable... _I_ _’m free._ ” She bit her lips as the tears threatened well up once more.

“I don’t understand.” He said.

Cullen kept his eyes from the woman’s body next to him only wearing a breast band and small clothes. Regardless of what happened between them minutes ago, it was his job to support and advise her through difficult situations. A roll made more difficult while his cock was still a throbbing tent inside his own smalls he angled away from her view.

“Evelyn,” she looked up at her name, waves of confusion passing over as she made sense of the insanity that was her last twenty-four hours.

“I don’t care what’s happened, nothing could make you not beautiful to me.”

She stared in his eyes searching for something, a something he didn’t understand. The corners of her lips lifted, she reached out taking his hands in hers and pulling them behind her. Cullen was pulled to his hands and knees over her body, their noses touching from her sitting position.

“Cullen,” her tone was authoritative, causing a burning flame of passion to travel the length of his spine down into his throbbing cock desperate to be inside her. “It can mean whatever you want it too, but _I need you_.”

A roar passed through Cullen’s ears, his pulse threatening to murder him on the spot.

“I will give you whatever you need, my lady.” His voice croaked as all saliva disappeared from his mouth.

 _It wasn_ _’t a lie_.

She could ask anything from him and he would obey without question. Just a taste of her destroyed him for life, but it was a fate he craved beyond any other. She grinned at him, a flush spreading into her cheeks as her breaths grew deeper, the anticipation building.

“What do you like?” She asked, her head tilted to the side as she analyzed him. “Who do you want me to be?” She breathed as she pressed her lips to the corner of his, nibbling the edge of his beard as she let it drag across her lips as she worked her way to the corner of his jaw as Cullen groaned above her at how close he was from almost no contact.

Her lips floated up over his ear. “What do you desire? The innocent girl? The proper noble? The whore?”

He pulled back from her, his surprise mimicking her own. _“No_.”

Guilt flooded into her features as she moved away from him, her head turning as she broke eye contact. His hand steered her eyes back to meet his, finding tears pushing up at the corners of her pale emeralds.

“Evelyn, I need nothing other than you. No more mind games, Ev. If I can’t just have you, then I don’t want this.”

The tears poured harder from her eyes as she contemplated if his words could be the truth. “ _I don_ _’t understand._ ” She sobbed as his fingers continued to clear the tears flooding her cheeks and running down her chest.

“What don’t you understand?” He asked, his caressing fingers calming the woman’s tears.

“Why… why you would want just me. _I_ _’m no one_.”

At her whisper, any remaining control of Cullen disappeared as his hands encircled the sides of her face, tilting it up as his lips pressed against hers, his tongue demanding entry she freely gave as he pushed her back onto the cot.

He crawled over her, his hands holding her jaw stiff between his fingers as his tongue explored every surface available as it stroked against her tongue with force trying to funnel everything he felt into the kiss as Evelyn moaned below him.

One of her hands gripped his side as her other hand grabbed his ass, pulling him closer against her and the two groaned in unison as his rock-hard cock dragged against the dripping wet cunt which soaked her smalls and was pooling down her legs into the bedding. Cullen broke his lips away from hers to suck the skin below her ear once more as Ev ground herself against his erection desperate to be let free from its confines.

His hands moved down to pull away at the strip of fabric covering her breasts, the fabric gave way revealing her milky-soft skin as Evelyn arched her back to press them into the palm of his hand. His fingers reached to pinch her bud to a peak within his fingers as she mewed at the sensation.

He was drunk on the power of the sounds she was making, the smell of her wetness filling the tent. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen and somehow she chose him to make her feel this way. Her moans were audible outside the tent now, but he didn’t care. Let them hear, let them know how _good_ he made her feel.

Her hand gripping his side released, grabbing the edge of his small clothes she slid it down over the length of his cock until it bobbed out tapping against the wetness of her own smalls with a smile gracing her lips. The hand holding his ass moved around to take his full length within her hand. She tightened her fingers around his shaft, working the length as he gasped. He leaned forward to suck her nipple into his mouth, smiling as she wriggled underneath him as he rolled his tongue over one peak and pinched the other one between his fingers. Her unused hand slid between where they were close to meeting as the hand stroking him released.

Before Cullen could protest, she ground her hips up at his prick and as it slid back down her seam, his entire body screamed with the realization she had pulled her smalls to the side. As his cock passed the right angle, her feet wrapped around his ass, pulling him forward until he was entering her.

A silky smooth wetness overwhelming him as he bit his lips, drawing blood, as he pushed his entire way inside her as Evelyn moaned, echoing in the tent. His cock throbbed as he realized he could finish any second now.

He stilled inside her.

“One second.” He whispered against her peak as a lazy smile spread across her lips.

She rested back into the pillow, her arms wrapped beneath her head. Her eyes closed taking in the relaxing pressure as he stretched her from the inside out. Her muscles fluttered around him as he regained some of the control years of being a Templar taught him.

He was no blushing virgin, but it was years since he was intimate with a woman and never one Cullen was invested in as Evelyn. She set off every sense as all he wanted was to be lost in her endless wetness.

Releasing her peak from his mouth, he leaned up on his forearms to look into her midnight eyes, a prideful grin on her face at how desperate he’d been inside of her. She raised a challenging brow at him and before she could speak, his hips arched back and snapped back into her with a force causing her eyes to roll back in her head, a billowing moan echoing through the tent.

If there was anyone remaining in the camp ignorant of the activities of their Herald and Commander, they were no longer were as he fucked the cocky grin off her face.

Her nails dug into the muscles of his back which she dragged down the length of his spine. His hips continued their thrusting as she cried out repeatedly. Pushing his hands under the sides of her hips, he lifted them to thrust deeper inside her and she keened at his length gliding the full distance of her cunt.

Her walls were throbbing, and he knew she would come soon. He needed to feel it, needed to hear what he could her feel.

The trembling grew within her and he quickened his pace giving her his all to bring about her release. When he felt the deep quivering within her throb throughout her cunt, he fucked her as hard as he could as she crested and exploded around his cock, screaming his name into the Void as he continued fucking her, seeing how long he could prolong her pleasure before tumbling into bliss himself.

Reaching a shaking hand where they met, he swirled his thumb around her clit as she screamed into his shoulder, her climax elevated until her entire body was shaking, crying out as Cullen continued climbing with her until his body clenched and he found his own release inside of her with a groan, his thumb releasing its pressure as she relaxed back on her pillow.

He fell to her side his arm still around her to pull her close to his chest as the two rested together, both breathing hard from their exertion. His body hummed as he held Ev’s cheek to his chest over his heart as she sighed against him, her muscles relaxed.

Her breathing slowed as the Herald drifted off back to sleep in the safety of his arms. He looked down at her, chuckling as her swollen lips parted and the softest snore escaped from her throat. Kissing the top of her head that was a nest of messy tangles, he slid his arm from underneath her and pulled the blankets up around her to keep the chill from the mountains from reaching within the tent.

Even though it was the last thing he wanted to do, he needed to get dressed and meet with Leliana, Josephine, and Cassandra know the Herald’s status if they hadn’t guessed already.

 _Cassandra._ Oh Maker, she would _kill him._ If he walked out of the tent only to find an armored fist heading straight towards his head, he would not be the least bit surprised.

Climbing out of the cot, he gasped at the temperature difference between the bed and the rest of the tent. A predicament he knew would only get worse once he exited. Piece by piece he located his armor and clothing and ignored the level of sadness weighing him down as his armor moved into place. He wished he could stay here forever next to her without thinking about the rest of the world crumbling around them.

He gave her one last look of longing. She was curled within her blankets, the faintest smile on her face mid-sleep as she regained the strength she needed that Cullen conveniently forgot when the opportunity arose.

With one final sigh, he pushed back the flap of the tent and exited hoping to not find an angry mob standing outside awaiting him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading my fic, it means a lot.


	8. The Chapter Where Solas Makes a Decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evelyn has survived the attack on Haven, but where does she go from here?

_The words felt tangible as they floated around her on all sides._

_Were they words she heard? She thought they were._

_Evelyn_ _’s pale emerald eyes blinked open, and she adjusted them to the flicking of the fading candle in her tent. The words carried around her in their foreign tongue. She sensed no malevolence as she up on her cot, removing the worn blanket to unveil her untouched leather armor beneath._

_When had she dressed? Maybe Cullen dressed her after she had retreated to the Fade._

_The thought of the warrior_ _’s hands drifting across the expanses of her vulnerable skin filled her with heat at the memories of their time together in the tent. She’d never speak the words, but fucking the warrior made her feel safer than she’d ever known in her life. Distraction and peace, she’d needed, but what she’d found within the circle of the Templar’s arms was nothing she’d expected._

_Part of her needed to push the vile sensation away, to distance herself from his eyes searching deep within her soul. How would he react to know when he saw the blackness festering inside her? The seed planted all those years ago by her father that blossomed and transformed her into a disfigured and terrifying version of the woman the Maker intended her to be._

_The words were pulling her, coaxing her to follow as they streamed out the tent into the frigid temperatures outside. Her boots were silent as they dug into the rocky terrain on the ground to find their footing. She was surprised at the lack of pain in her limbs as she found her balance. She braced herself for the reaction of her men as she reentered the land of the living._

_The tent flap parted against her hand and she pushed herself to walk into the sparkling night. Where she expected to find the camp full of occupants milling about, she found an empty camp. Down the run, she only saw three soldiers on their own, their stares off into the distance. Their eyes wide with terror at something unseen to her calculating eyes._

_One soldier turned his head to take her in and his body trembled as he recognized who she was before he covered his face mumbling into the palm of his hands._

_Far to her left, the flickering of brilliant blue flames caught her attention. Intrigued, she followed the swirling light that grew brighter, causing her eyes to flicker shut. When she reopened them, she jumped in surprise finding Solas standing next to the brilliant sapphire flame held within the torch. The elf_ _’s head tilted towards the sky analyzing the pulsing of the scarred night where the Breach used to exist._

_“Where has everyone gone?” Evelyn asked as her boots padded through the ankle-deep snow._

_The mage chuckled, a dark sound, as he turned to regard her with no humor in his eyes._ _“Where are we, Evelyn?”_

_Evelyn opened her mouth to respond, then paused, turning to look closer at the terrified soldiers in the distance. The soldiers flickered like a dying candlelight, rocking back and forth, chests wracked with sobs that would never come._

_She turned back towards Solas, her eyes wide in understanding knowing the soldiers were dead, their spirits unable to come to terms with their deaths at the hands of the Red Templar and Venatori._

_“This is the Fade…” her words sounded hollow in the air as they released, “but I didn’t die.”_

_Solas rolled his eyes at her observation._ _“Chantry hymns of the future will speak of your great intelligence.” He spoke flatly._

_Her brows creased at the flippant tone of the elf._ _“Where is Corypheus?” Even speaking the name of the demon crowded her chest with pressure. A growing fist around her heart, gripping tighter each moment she thought of the flesh burst apart over his body by red lyrium._

_“We don’t know. As it stands we don’t know where he is, how to defeat him, or what he wants.”_

_“I know what he wants.” The elf raised a brow at her response. “He wants the mark to tear open the Veil and enter the Black City.”_

_Solas_ _’ brows now crossed as he listened. “I see. Not surprising a pretend god would try to reclaim a station of the former ones of this world.” The mage’s words were a whisper as he thought them over. “Regardless of his goals, he is now your responsibility to deal with.”_

_“What?” Evelyn exclaimed. “I am but one woman. What can I do?”_

_Solas laughed causing Evelyn to withdraw._ _“So was Andraste, and she changed the entire world.”_

_“I am not Andraste.” Evelyn snarled through her teeth at the infuriating elf._

_“Indeed.” The elf agreed, his eyes laced with veiled anger. “You couldn’t hold a candle to Andraste. Yet,” he trailed off. “Those that follow you believe you to be her Herald. You have the mark and Corypheus will hunt you until one of you is dead. So, he is now your burden.”_

_“I don’t want to fight him. I wanted none of this!” She spat as an expression of disdain set in over the elf’s features. “I’ve almost died multiple times for the Inquisition. I am finished! Done!”_

_“Evelyn Trevelyan, you are a coward.” He seethed at her as her teeth ground together._

_She ground her boots into the illusion of dirt._ _“So, what? Any sane person would be terrified in my shoes!”_

_Solas pointed an accusatory finger towards her._ _“Most people don’t have hundreds follow them to their deaths. While you lead the Inquisition, you must be more than the weak and selfish child you are.”_

_With a scoff, Evelyn turned and stomped away from the burning torch._ _“Fuck you, Solas. I’m done. I’m fucking done with all of this!” His brutal laugh echoed behind her in the nothingness as her frustration grew to a head._

_Who was he to judge her? He was a knife-eared apostate. He could go straight to the Void for all she cared._

_“Evelyn, STOP!” The elf cried out._

_Her boots paused as the compulsion to keep moving forward disappeared. In frustration, she turned around stomping her way back to him._ _“Lay off me,” her voice was low and loaded with danger, “I’m doing the best I can.”_

_“Your best? You call this, your best?” The mage threw out his hand and the world around them flickered and remolded itself before Evelyn’s eyes until she was staring at a familiar sight that broke her heart._

_Haven burned around her. She could smell the smoke rising from the building, the sounds of swords clanging in the distance, flinch at the burning heat blowing across the battlefield. In the distance, the Chantry door opened, and her battalion of soldiers filed through until the last one came out, her shoulders slumping as the large wooden doors slammed shut behind her. Red Templar sprinted towards them from both directions._

_The Archdemon streaked across the sky overhead, a violent eruption of sound echoing across the land from the beast_ _’s massive lungs. Together the Evelyn from the past and the soldiers put the group down and proceeded towards the trebuchets they needed to set off to save the residents of Haven._

_She didn_ _’t recognize her face as the woman jogged by. The color drained from her features, her olive eyes open in terror as they drew closer to towards the last trebuchet. A scream from the beast shook the ground again, surprising the soldiers as another round of Templar attacked, the red lyrium growing out of their breastplates in erratic patterns. Men were falling, their screams cut short, by the edge of tainted blade._

_Jabbing a dagger into the neck of a Templar that crumpled to her feet, the other Evelyn stumbled backward, horror etched across her face as looked at the men being slaughtered around her. She jumped as a hand gripped her ankle, looking down she saw a young soldier, aged eighteen at most reaching for her in desperation as he bled out through his broken armor coating the ground beneath. She shook her leg away as she backed away from him and his cries for help. With one last look at the field, she fled._

_Evelyn in the present covered her face with her hands as she could not watch herself run away. Tears streaked the other girl_ _’s face as her feet clumsily tried to escape the bloodshed unraveling around her. One of her boots, hitting an uneven rock caused the auburn-haired girl to topple to the ground, her head smashing into the ground with a cringe-worthy crack._

_She looked around her in desperation before dragging herself into a line of hedges where she laid, her eyes pressed closed together while she listened to her men slaughtered in her name._

_“So, this is what you call your best.” She flinched at Solas’ voice since she’d forgotten he was standing close to her. “You are a pitiful leader, Evelyn, but you need not be.” He pointed at the woman hiding in the bushes praying that the outside world disappeared. “This is the danger of letting fear consume you. Take your fear and channel it into rage.”_

_She turned to look at the mage whose malevolence had faded. Between blinks, her eyes played tricks as the image of the elf shifted to a large outline of a gray wolf that seemed familiar, yet, couldn_ _’t. Clearing away the image from her mind, she turned to see the monster Corypheus command his soldiers to remove the Herald from her hiding spot and bring her to him._

_Evelyn couldn_ _’t do this anymore, knowing what would happen. She remembered the fear that vibrated through her as the demon dangled her through the air, trying to remove her mark, before throwing her like garbage across the field where her back struck the trebuchet she left the Chantry to activate. She had given up hope for survival and prayed to whatever was listening for a merciful death she had not earned._

_It was pure luck she kept one last dagger in her boot and landed next to the rope holding the trebuchet_ _’s arm in place. Luck. That was what her leadership amounted to. Simple luck. She was no hero. No one worthy of being compared to Andraste. She wasn’t chosen by the mark as her followers believed but had stumbled across its power by accident._

_“You’re right. I am no hero, even more reason for me to walk away.” Her shoulders slumped as the words exited her mouth. She wanted to be a hero, but it’s not what she was meant for._

_Joining the Inquisition was the beginning of a new life for her, a life where her father didn_ _’t dictate her fate. She knew how to survive, not succeed. It was the only real lesson she gained from her nefarious father._

_“Leaving is not an option you have, Evelyn. Corypheus must be defeated. I will not rest until he is dealt with.”_

_She rolled her eyes in annoyance._ _“How am I supposed to lead when I am terrified of that monster lurking around every corner? I’ve gone from having every step watched by one monster and replaced it with another!” Her shout echoed through flickering image of Haven as the avalanche rushed down the mountain towards its destination, her eyes snapping shut with the memory of the wall of ice slamming her into the underground cavern beneath Haven._

_Opening her eyes, she was standing back in the camp in the Fade. The horror-stricken soldiers were gone, moved on to the next phase of life as she remained behind with the condescending knife-ear. A vibration moved through the air around her as the faint outline of someone came into view behind the burning torch._

_It was the boy who had helped her against the Envy demon, a lifetime ago. His large brimmed hat, covered most of his face, leaving his patchwork clothes to make a first impression. The boy turned towards Solas, a wordless conversation transpiring between the two while she observed, curious to their purpose._

_“Yes…” the boy agreed as he looked back towards Evelyn. He tilted his head towards her puzzled by her. “Fingers reaching, focused, fighting against your neck. Force you into submission.” Evelyn looked down in shame at his words. “First fear was Father, but the monster wants to control you the same way. Fear is all you know.”_

_“You want me to lead, then help me,” Evelyn spoke through her clenched teeth. A satisfied grin passed over Solas’ thin lips as he nodded towards the boy who traveled closer to her, though she swore she never saw his legs move._

_Her body stiffened as the boy drew closer until she could have reached out to touch his pale and sunken skin. She gasped for air she wasn_ _’t certain existed as her heart thundered in her chest. As the boy drew near she moved away._

_“What are you going to do?” She asked, her eyes widening again in terror no different from the images Solas forced her to experience._

_“Cole will make you the leader the Thedas deserves; cut away the self-pity and discord humans are full of, giving the Inquisition a leader that will ensure its survival.” A vile grin spread across the mage’s lips as she backed away from the boy approaching._

_Her father had spent years taking away all she was to replace with what he thought belonged. He demanded obedience and crushed any attempts she_ _’d made for a life. She wouldn’t let someone else take away the life she started- she’d die first. Her hand slid to her side and she panicked as she realized there was no dagger hung at her side because this place wasn’t real. There was no defense for her here._

_A sigh escaped her as her hand fell limply to her side. Solas looked pleased with this outcome, yet she saw no ill will in the boy’s eyes as he was close enough she could see the boy_ _’s pale blue eyes piercing out of his skull._

_Closing her eyes, she imagined herself far away, the same way she had the first time her father showed his true colors. All she needed to focus on was surviving. If her father couldn_ _’t destroy her from his unrelenting attempts, then she wouldn’t let these two succeed either._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading the re-written Burning in the Flames. I hope you enjoyed the story and if you want to read more about Evelyn and her misadventures in the Inquisition, please check out Once & Again in the "Idalya Mahariel stories" link above.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading and leaving feedback! 
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr for more Once & Again and Dragon Age posting! http://kmandergirl.tumblr.com


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